Whatever they say and whatever they ask for,
Whatever they expect and whatever they laugh for,
I can not have what's not my tea
Its crystal n clear; its loud n big
Let me be what I'm supposed to be
Dont force me hard, dont push me deep
Wont give up my dreams till I go to sleep.
~Atri <251220070905>
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Quotes
Do few things, make sure that they are the right things to do and then do them brilliantly.
Creativity is thinking different. Innovation is doing different. (Azim Premji)
I may walk slow but I never walk back. (Abraham Lincoln)
You can fool all people sometime, you can fool some people everytime but you can’t fool all people everytime. (Abraham Lincoln)
Creativity is thinking different. Innovation is doing different. (Azim Premji)
I may walk slow but I never walk back. (Abraham Lincoln)
You can fool all people sometime, you can fool some people everytime but you can’t fool all people everytime. (Abraham Lincoln)
Saturday, December 1, 2007
This is quite true
"Be not too hasty ...
to trust, or to admire,
the teachers of morality;
they discourse like angels,
but they live like men."
Samuel Johnson
to trust, or to admire,
the teachers of morality;
they discourse like angels,
but they live like men."
Samuel Johnson
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Feel good factor
Feeling a lot better today. Maybe its because the type of work in the office has changed. From execution to planning. Planning seems good. Yesterday I met Mausi and Dada. Dada is all that same. Mausi too is same though she was missing her college environment - peace and tranquality, energy and creativity. Here in Delhi, past was lingering on. But I know she will conquer the world one day. She will shine like a star. And I also got a renewed will to migrate. I have to make this happen man. This is not where i am destined to live. Three cheers to Dada and Mausi. They made my day.
Monday, November 19, 2007
God, save me!!!
Guess what? I finally made it to Mata Vaishno Devi's Durbar. It was good. It was something that I wanted to do for a long time. But it was more of a ritual than a real spiritually satisfying trip. I know its not correct to state this but its true. Somehow the excitement, the longing and the expectation was not upto the mark. I was lacking in something. I was lacking in faith. I tried to generate some, but succeeded only partially. I thought it over. Why did I lack that faith? Maybe I have stopped expecting even from gods. I know. I know it’s a shame to speak thus, but let me complete. I have given up. But I have only stopped expecting the emotional support. Rest is okay. God has given me everything I had desired. I have celebrated with him and thanked him. But in the matters of heart, I have lost. Nobody seems to be around now, not even God. I went to Vaishno Devi with only one wish, though I pretended to take along a list of wishes for my family members and friends. I tried to be politically correct with God. But I know he knows that there was only one thing on my mind – to pray to get a partner. I prayed for it and for all. I am not sure whether my prayer will be answered because I am a strange person. I am still living in past and future and I keep on losing on present. When I first liked a girl, I didn't even know I liked her and there is more that one should do apart from keeping on liking. And the only girl I have ever loved (in a sense of falling in love), to whatever extent, even refuses to be loved. Its an irony, isn’t it? Although I have vowed not to think in that manner, but its not going from my mind 100%. I still visualize her as a perfect match sometimes and its dangerous. I don’t want to do this. I want to move on. I want to be told that there a plenty of such matches in this world. But I fail to find one. I am desperate to find the same as soon as possible. I am sure I will move on then. But as on today I cant leave her like that. I don’t know why but I have taken some sort of moral responsibility on myself to take care of her. Maybe its part of me. I don’t want to be mean and slimy. I don’t want to be a liar and a hypocrite. I just want to move on. With her or alone. God! Just do something. Save me!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Common Man
There was a time (and maybe still is) when I used to dream utopian. There was a time when I was unaware about how a real human being behaves when he is set free. I was even unaware about the weaknesses that are inherent in a human being. I was an idealist but being an idealist is not enough, I have learnt for it makes you blind. It makes you blind about how the world moves actually. An idealist just dreams in his own world.
But being stationed here in Jammu, surrounded by real people has taught me a lot. It has been an interesting journey to learn how the "common man" behaves. I have never had such an interaction with the "common man" earlier, except in Nigeria where I passed them as exceptions. And thats because he (the common man) used to hide behind my relatives, friends and people whom I respected and trusted. But the question here is - who IS this common man? What does he look like?
A common man is a married man with two kids and a wife, working in a renowned company for Rs 25,000 a month. He is 35 years old and owns a car, although he lives in a rented house. He lives in the society, surrounded by various people. He follows the customs and his religion and is quite God fearing. He loves his family and his parents and has no great ambitions except to increase his income twofolds, maybe.
He has mastered the art of looking content and is extremely concious of his image. He says he drinks socially and smokes no more than a couple of cigarettes a day and he is proud that he has controlled his senses after marriage and that is why he disapproves of looking at other (pretty) women. A common man, my dear friends is a liar and a hypocrite. He is selfish and jealous and he is also dishonest and corrupt but most importantly he is weak and timid. Here I present before you the real face of the "common man". You give him just a little bit of freedom and he turns out to be a satan, a mean slimy organism who can fill your heart with unimaginable hatred. He is not a lion but a wolf he is not a hawk but a vulture. He is cunning and crooked and he strikes on your back.
You give him free liquor and he turns out to be a drunkard. You show him a dark alley with a lonely damsel and he turns out to be a rapist (provided the damsel forgets every damn thing the following morning). You give him a million rupees and he can sell away his country. He doesnt mind cheating on his wife time and again while away from home. He doesnt mind stealing goodies if no ones watching and he can hurl every abuse on this earth to the womankind if noone is listening. He has an eye on his younger sister but is too afraid to make a move. He can kill his boss and his wife and throw away their corpses in river but is too weak to proceed. He can rob a bank provided you give him safe haven. He can even abandon his children if you assure him that someone would not let them die on streets.
This is the "common man". The man next door. The man on street riding a hero honda. The man working as a financial advisor in ICICI bank. The man who enjoys cricket after workin 10 hours in the office. The man who never forgets to bring gifts for your children on Diwali. He moves amongst us - the "common man". Beware !!
~<051120071057>
But being stationed here in Jammu, surrounded by real people has taught me a lot. It has been an interesting journey to learn how the "common man" behaves. I have never had such an interaction with the "common man" earlier, except in Nigeria where I passed them as exceptions. And thats because he (the common man) used to hide behind my relatives, friends and people whom I respected and trusted. But the question here is - who IS this common man? What does he look like?
A common man is a married man with two kids and a wife, working in a renowned company for Rs 25,000 a month. He is 35 years old and owns a car, although he lives in a rented house. He lives in the society, surrounded by various people. He follows the customs and his religion and is quite God fearing. He loves his family and his parents and has no great ambitions except to increase his income twofolds, maybe.
He has mastered the art of looking content and is extremely concious of his image. He says he drinks socially and smokes no more than a couple of cigarettes a day and he is proud that he has controlled his senses after marriage and that is why he disapproves of looking at other (pretty) women. A common man, my dear friends is a liar and a hypocrite. He is selfish and jealous and he is also dishonest and corrupt but most importantly he is weak and timid. Here I present before you the real face of the "common man". You give him just a little bit of freedom and he turns out to be a satan, a mean slimy organism who can fill your heart with unimaginable hatred. He is not a lion but a wolf he is not a hawk but a vulture. He is cunning and crooked and he strikes on your back.
You give him free liquor and he turns out to be a drunkard. You show him a dark alley with a lonely damsel and he turns out to be a rapist (provided the damsel forgets every damn thing the following morning). You give him a million rupees and he can sell away his country. He doesnt mind cheating on his wife time and again while away from home. He doesnt mind stealing goodies if no ones watching and he can hurl every abuse on this earth to the womankind if noone is listening. He has an eye on his younger sister but is too afraid to make a move. He can kill his boss and his wife and throw away their corpses in river but is too weak to proceed. He can rob a bank provided you give him safe haven. He can even abandon his children if you assure him that someone would not let them die on streets.
This is the "common man". The man next door. The man on street riding a hero honda. The man working as a financial advisor in ICICI bank. The man who enjoys cricket after workin 10 hours in the office. The man who never forgets to bring gifts for your children on Diwali. He moves amongst us - the "common man". Beware !!
~<051120071057>
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Whatta month !!
Jammu, Jammu and Jammu. This entire month was devoted to Jammu. What a chaos! What a race! What a noise! What an energy! What an excitement! What a learning! Simply Great!!
It was a golden opportunity to work on my skills and acquire new ones. A boost in my professional life, I'd say. I enjoyed it. And I can never forget the golden words by Mr. Chandra, "Success should succeed in succession"
These corporate people are so motivated to succeed, to prove themselves and to achieve the set goals. Why are the architects so lousy?? I have understood certainly that to build something big, this sort of motivation is a prerequisite. No escape from hard work and precise thought. No gol-mol talks. Only the edge wins man!
It was a golden opportunity to work on my skills and acquire new ones. A boost in my professional life, I'd say. I enjoyed it. And I can never forget the golden words by Mr. Chandra, "Success should succeed in succession"
These corporate people are so motivated to succeed, to prove themselves and to achieve the set goals. Why are the architects so lousy?? I have understood certainly that to build something big, this sort of motivation is a prerequisite. No escape from hard work and precise thought. No gol-mol talks. Only the edge wins man!
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Lust and Love
It is a bit difficult to define the term love because it is used in a number of contexts. Some times it is said to be pure and divine like "love of a mother for her child", sometimes its romantic as in "falling (or rising, whatever)" in love, sometimes it is pure sex like "making love". Yesterday I was thinking about the exixtence of romantic love without lust. Is it possible? The answer is NO. Romance is the foreground of sex. But the sex that follows romance is beautiful and romance still remains a seperate entity to be revered. Sex between lovers is divine and can be equated with heaven. But what about sex without love or bonding? Can it exist? Sex for the sake of sex? The answer is YES. It does exist. It is quite common. I see around so many people, young and old, married and single, who would not mind having a sexual encounter here and now. They say, they need it. If forced to stay away from their families, they'd do it often. They may even go to prostitutes. What is this? Is this negation of 5 million years of human evolution which has given romance and love? Maybe. Maybe nature is stronger than civilization. And mind you, i do not include the "courting and dances" aimed at having sex, in the category of romance. Because although it is true that romance will culminate in sex yet it is not what romance is directly aimed for. Sex is the consequence of romance not its sole goal. Whereas the courting and drama that goes on before pure and simple sex at whcih the mind is aimed, is part of sex.
So, what is sex without love and romance? I think it is just stimulation. It is just like jerking off with a better and more real fantasy. Nothing more than that.
After all, the part of brain that takes care of love is different than the part that gets stimulated during sex...
So, what is sex without love and romance? I think it is just stimulation. It is just like jerking off with a better and more real fantasy. Nothing more than that.
After all, the part of brain that takes care of love is different than the part that gets stimulated during sex...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Duality of universe
Sometimes I think about the great ocean of thoughts. An ocean of Floating Frames. Frame of each action. Frame of each event. Even intent is written as an action. Then there might be a clash of intents. Then I realize that there is this dual nature of universe, and not singular nature that I have believed in previously. The duality consists of:
1. Manifest and its concentrations
2. Thought and its concentrations
Manifest is matter and energy in simple terms. Thought is intent and intellect. Both manifest and thought are intermingled like a homogeneous mixture of gases. Somewhere there is a huge concentration of manifest but low concentration of thought. Somewhere the concentration of thought is much more than that of manifest. But never there is a time not there is a place where there is no manifest or thought. Everywhere and every time all manifest has had thought and all thoughts have had manifestation. For example, even a still object like pebble has thought and even a thought (like me playing in clouds) has manifest. The scale might differ. All instances of thought and manifest can affect all other instances to a degree proportional to their own concentration.
Then there are numerous concentrations of thought and manifest in this ocean/universe. Each of these great concentrations is at a safe distance of space and time from each other to maintain the balance. Each of these great concentrations has a power to affect its surroundings. Their effect decreases with space and time but never dies out.
The systems of manifest and thought though are intermingled and have an effect on each other yet they are distinct systems. There is no inter-convertibility. Or maybe there is. Its hard to tell.
All degrees of concentrations are present but the larger concentrations keep on becoming larger and larger, swallowing numerous smaller ones. Hence, there are somewhat distinct systems that take birth, with a great concentration as the ‘focus’ and subordinate concentrations around. Concentration of manifest is through its nature which is governed by its physical properties. Concentration of thought is through intelligent intent of its master concentration. This great master concentration of thought is a ‘God’ for its inferior concentrations or those which lie in proximity of space and time.
It is up to a ‘God’ to create, use/play or destruct its subject concentrations of thought. It is up to a ‘God’ to make rules of the game and change them at his will. Every ‘God’ is a subject to its superior ‘God’. So every ‘God’ can “think” inside the framework created by its superior ‘God’. There is, hence, an individual freedom of thought granted to each concentration by its superior ‘God’ to act itself as a ‘God’ to still inferior concentrations. But it is only up to a ‘God’ to grant that freedom. It’s a God’s wish. There might be a ‘God’ who gives no freedom to think to its subordinates. There might be a cruel ‘God’. There might be systems where the rules say that that you have to kill others to survive i.e. diffuse other concentrations to save oneself. Somewhat like our own system. There might be a creative ‘God’ on the other hand, which lays down that you have to create more systems in order to survive.
Then what is the relationship of manifest and thought? A certain kind of manifestation can support a higher degree of thought. It is solely dependent on the nature of manifest (its physical properties) how thought can “live” entangled to it. Otherwise it won’t “stick” to it to a greater extent. I must say here that a concentration of thought is not obliged to get “stuck” or “live” in/with a concentration of manifest. Though there might be certain concentrations of manifest that attract thought to get “stuck” to them. It is purely dependent on a ‘God’ to design thoughts which stick to a certain concentration of manifest. There might be numerous concentrations of thought around us but we can’t experience them through our manifested bodies really well because the degree of effect that manifest can have on other manifest is far greater than that which thought has on manifest. So we mostly experience only those thoughts which are entangled to manifest. But in our experience of thought we rarely need a manifestation for experience because same principle follows here as well.
Our ‘God’ is an intelligent ‘God’ and it has designed thoughts to use a certain concentration manifest, maybe the one which has carbon. The choice reflects the efficiency of thought to use manifest and create bigger and bigger thoughts. It’s a game of creation of thought and diffusion of manifest in the long run. It’s a good plot. Keep it up ‘God’!
1. Manifest and its concentrations
2. Thought and its concentrations
Manifest is matter and energy in simple terms. Thought is intent and intellect. Both manifest and thought are intermingled like a homogeneous mixture of gases. Somewhere there is a huge concentration of manifest but low concentration of thought. Somewhere the concentration of thought is much more than that of manifest. But never there is a time not there is a place where there is no manifest or thought. Everywhere and every time all manifest has had thought and all thoughts have had manifestation. For example, even a still object like pebble has thought and even a thought (like me playing in clouds) has manifest. The scale might differ. All instances of thought and manifest can affect all other instances to a degree proportional to their own concentration.
Then there are numerous concentrations of thought and manifest in this ocean/universe. Each of these great concentrations is at a safe distance of space and time from each other to maintain the balance. Each of these great concentrations has a power to affect its surroundings. Their effect decreases with space and time but never dies out.
The systems of manifest and thought though are intermingled and have an effect on each other yet they are distinct systems. There is no inter-convertibility. Or maybe there is. Its hard to tell.
All degrees of concentrations are present but the larger concentrations keep on becoming larger and larger, swallowing numerous smaller ones. Hence, there are somewhat distinct systems that take birth, with a great concentration as the ‘focus’ and subordinate concentrations around. Concentration of manifest is through its nature which is governed by its physical properties. Concentration of thought is through intelligent intent of its master concentration. This great master concentration of thought is a ‘God’ for its inferior concentrations or those which lie in proximity of space and time.
It is up to a ‘God’ to create, use/play or destruct its subject concentrations of thought. It is up to a ‘God’ to make rules of the game and change them at his will. Every ‘God’ is a subject to its superior ‘God’. So every ‘God’ can “think” inside the framework created by its superior ‘God’. There is, hence, an individual freedom of thought granted to each concentration by its superior ‘God’ to act itself as a ‘God’ to still inferior concentrations. But it is only up to a ‘God’ to grant that freedom. It’s a God’s wish. There might be a ‘God’ who gives no freedom to think to its subordinates. There might be a cruel ‘God’. There might be systems where the rules say that that you have to kill others to survive i.e. diffuse other concentrations to save oneself. Somewhat like our own system. There might be a creative ‘God’ on the other hand, which lays down that you have to create more systems in order to survive.
Then what is the relationship of manifest and thought? A certain kind of manifestation can support a higher degree of thought. It is solely dependent on the nature of manifest (its physical properties) how thought can “live” entangled to it. Otherwise it won’t “stick” to it to a greater extent. I must say here that a concentration of thought is not obliged to get “stuck” or “live” in/with a concentration of manifest. Though there might be certain concentrations of manifest that attract thought to get “stuck” to them. It is purely dependent on a ‘God’ to design thoughts which stick to a certain concentration of manifest. There might be numerous concentrations of thought around us but we can’t experience them through our manifested bodies really well because the degree of effect that manifest can have on other manifest is far greater than that which thought has on manifest. So we mostly experience only those thoughts which are entangled to manifest. But in our experience of thought we rarely need a manifestation for experience because same principle follows here as well.
Our ‘God’ is an intelligent ‘God’ and it has designed thoughts to use a certain concentration manifest, maybe the one which has carbon. The choice reflects the efficiency of thought to use manifest and create bigger and bigger thoughts. It’s a game of creation of thought and diffusion of manifest in the long run. It’s a good plot. Keep it up ‘God’!
Do they love me?
I wonder often about the people I love. My father, Baby Mausi, Puneet, Jayant, Shivani, Abhro, Surbhi, Ravi Chacha, Nikku Chacha, Buajis and others. I then ask myself a question (which is politically incorrect to ask though) that do they too love me to that extent? And i find that that no, they do not love me to that extent. They dont bother too much. They pretend to know that I am okay. They pretend to know that I can do without them. This goes to a higher degree with my friends because the relatives still face the social compulsion to enquire about the well being. But the rest are with me till I make an effort to be with them. The day I become incapable of putting that effort, they will totally abandon me. I am not even sure whether they will take out time to come for my cremation when I die. Probably they will send the messages of disbelief and despair on their mobiles among themselves and think that they are done.
Quite horrible it sounds. But it is true.
I wish I have a life partner who pledges to BE with me in all hardships and all celebrations. One who is by my side while I die in peace holding her hand. But alas I dont find any such person around. All I find is a bunch of self engrossed, self obsessed and selfish bunch of people who are never ready to come close to my heart. Maybe there are exceptions but God only knows what lies beneath them.
So be it!
Quite horrible it sounds. But it is true.
I wish I have a life partner who pledges to BE with me in all hardships and all celebrations. One who is by my side while I die in peace holding her hand. But alas I dont find any such person around. All I find is a bunch of self engrossed, self obsessed and selfish bunch of people who are never ready to come close to my heart. Maybe there are exceptions but God only knows what lies beneath them.
So be it!
Monday, August 13, 2007
Feelin Somethin
I dont know why am I feeling that somethin good is going to happen to me very soon.
Inshallah!
Inshallah!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Life 1
I dont know how many things have taken place in these past few months. A lot has changed, I have changed. To summarize, Jainsaab has come back from Turkey. His coming back meant a surge in my energy too. He is so supportive! I feel he is the only person who is with me in letter and spirit. He can proclaim aloud that he is my friend and that he cares, and not only this, he really does take care. That is why I was missing him so much when he was away. Its not possible for me to describe how much do i wish him to succeed as a great architect. Well he is back now. He needs to focus himself though to achieve his goal. I often wonder why does my life revolves around my friends, when their lives do not include me to that extent. I have no answer. This is how it is. Abhro is like a brother. He cares but he tries to remain too safe. And also, he thinks of himself as somebody who is not capable of taking much care of his loved ones. He is wrong. He is capable. But is not willing to try. If at all he tried to come in foreground, to say that Yes I take the responsibility. Yes I am with you, Yes I will take care of you, I'd would have been really proud of him. Maybe he says this with conviction to some people. People who are closer to his heart. But I am not the lucky one.
Then, Mansi didi got married. I was dumb enough not to attend her wedding. I regret it. But I know she and Surbhi will forgive me for that. When I had met Surbhi on the day when Shivani was treating us before leaving, i had an impression that all is not well between her and Raj. And Shivani also told me afterwards that there was a problem. Maybe she had had a word with her. I wanted to talk to her about this but the occassion was so good that i couldn't spoil her mood. I want to know and I want to help. But I know Surbhi. She will never talk about this, atleast on phone. I will have to visit her soon. Surbhi is so complete a girl. I really admire her. I dont know whether to say this or not (because she is with Raj) that I also love her. I can never see her sad. She is so sweet. How can she be sad?? She does not deserve it. Then i wonder, why do we live in a society where saying that "I love you" is a taboo? Why is it taken in a wrong way. If love somebody, does it imply that i am romantically linked with that person? No. I just love. And I am not ashamed to say that. I can proclaim that in public, but people would not like it not even people whom I love. They'd be embarrassed. What is the big deal? I understand that if somebody is in a "relationship" he or she would not like to be "loved" by another person. But to me its shit. How can you not like being loved. Afterall I am not after you. I am with you.
Precisely is the case with Shivani. Maybe she is someone whom I love the most on this earth. It can not be expressed in words, but I had hard time make her believe that my intentions are "not bad". Why was it such a burden on her? Is it a sin to love? Or is it taken for granted that if you love a person, you are longing for his or her romance? If I said that that I never wanted to marry her then I'd be lying. But I always suppressed and killed this thought for ever. But then I cant stop loving her. Its not a sin. I have done nothing wrong. I still remember what she once said to me on a rainy evening - "Whether I will be with Kuber or not, maybe, is uncertain but you will never be the one in my life". I stood listening and I promised. I stand by my promise. I killed the thought. But banishing the force of expression is hard. Its tough to act formal on all counts. Why is it like that? Why does the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" hold a superlative degree to the the term "friend"?
When I think all this, i also feel that I am a fool. I am running around and proclaiming that Yes I am with you. But people say "what the fuck dude? whats wrond with you? we dont need you to be special. Just be in your limits. Dont dare express yourself or we'll just chuk you out. Afterall its for your own satisfaction that you are trying to be with us. It wont matter to us much even if you leave. We have other options. Ok? So be a good boy. Behave yourself". This is what they say. And I just listen. I obey them. They are right. Its me who needs them. But i am tired of it. Tired of being a good obedient boy. I will have my life. Thay cant give me my life. I will have my life on my own. Its quite possible that I live a lonely life. But atleast I will enjoy my true self. Though I will always love them, whether they like it or not. Its certain.
Then, Mansi didi got married. I was dumb enough not to attend her wedding. I regret it. But I know she and Surbhi will forgive me for that. When I had met Surbhi on the day when Shivani was treating us before leaving, i had an impression that all is not well between her and Raj. And Shivani also told me afterwards that there was a problem. Maybe she had had a word with her. I wanted to talk to her about this but the occassion was so good that i couldn't spoil her mood. I want to know and I want to help. But I know Surbhi. She will never talk about this, atleast on phone. I will have to visit her soon. Surbhi is so complete a girl. I really admire her. I dont know whether to say this or not (because she is with Raj) that I also love her. I can never see her sad. She is so sweet. How can she be sad?? She does not deserve it. Then i wonder, why do we live in a society where saying that "I love you" is a taboo? Why is it taken in a wrong way. If love somebody, does it imply that i am romantically linked with that person? No. I just love. And I am not ashamed to say that. I can proclaim that in public, but people would not like it not even people whom I love. They'd be embarrassed. What is the big deal? I understand that if somebody is in a "relationship" he or she would not like to be "loved" by another person. But to me its shit. How can you not like being loved. Afterall I am not after you. I am with you.
Precisely is the case with Shivani. Maybe she is someone whom I love the most on this earth. It can not be expressed in words, but I had hard time make her believe that my intentions are "not bad". Why was it such a burden on her? Is it a sin to love? Or is it taken for granted that if you love a person, you are longing for his or her romance? If I said that that I never wanted to marry her then I'd be lying. But I always suppressed and killed this thought for ever. But then I cant stop loving her. Its not a sin. I have done nothing wrong. I still remember what she once said to me on a rainy evening - "Whether I will be with Kuber or not, maybe, is uncertain but you will never be the one in my life". I stood listening and I promised. I stand by my promise. I killed the thought. But banishing the force of expression is hard. Its tough to act formal on all counts. Why is it like that? Why does the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" hold a superlative degree to the the term "friend"?
When I think all this, i also feel that I am a fool. I am running around and proclaiming that Yes I am with you. But people say "what the fuck dude? whats wrond with you? we dont need you to be special. Just be in your limits. Dont dare express yourself or we'll just chuk you out. Afterall its for your own satisfaction that you are trying to be with us. It wont matter to us much even if you leave. We have other options. Ok? So be a good boy. Behave yourself". This is what they say. And I just listen. I obey them. They are right. Its me who needs them. But i am tired of it. Tired of being a good obedient boy. I will have my life. Thay cant give me my life. I will have my life on my own. Its quite possible that I live a lonely life. But atleast I will enjoy my true self. Though I will always love them, whether they like it or not. Its certain.
Heaven
There can be as many interpretations of heaven as there are people on this earth. maybe even more. Even I have some picture imaginations of heaven. One of them is running and dancing through the pure white clouds...like snow or like unspun cotton...clear blue sky over them...and calm cool breeze flowing steadily. I often dream that i am running through this bliss talking to the clouds....there is no one else, no worries, no fear, no dissatisfaction, nothing...just me and heaven. Whenever i board a flight, the most enjoyable part is when the plane flies over the clouds and through. Somehow this view reminds me of my heaven. Its always a pleasure to fly through clouds. I enjoy myself. A pure and simple smile surrounds me. I often feel, then, that i am really in heaven.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Missing her
Since yesterday i am terribly missing her. dont know why. maybe there is too much to say and too much to hear. too much to share. but i am alone. there was a time when i wanted to cry in her arms but she was not around. i had to hold my tears. there was a time when i wanted to experience that bliss of monsoon winds, those heavenly showers with her. i wanted to play and i wanted to laugh but she was not there. i wanted to keep on watching her. keep looking in her eyes. keep holding her hand. but i was all alone.
i wonder when will she come? when will i have my life back? when will i be cared and be loved?
Only Lord knows
i wonder when will she come? when will i have my life back? when will i be cared and be loved?
Only Lord knows
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Women and skirt
Why do women wear skirt, while men do not? I was thinking about this today and many funny and interesting and bizarre answers came to my mind. In all cultures of the world, traditional female wear has no partition between two legs while most male dresses have one.
I think this has to do with the kind of work associated with the two genders. Obviously, skirt is more comfortable when you are in your home. And when you go out, you have to be tightly dressed. its difficult to run and hunt and battle wearing a skirt. and maybe this is the reason why men started using undergarments for the lower half much earlier than when women started using them. Funny but interesting. :)
I think this has to do with the kind of work associated with the two genders. Obviously, skirt is more comfortable when you are in your home. And when you go out, you have to be tightly dressed. its difficult to run and hunt and battle wearing a skirt. and maybe this is the reason why men started using undergarments for the lower half much earlier than when women started using them. Funny but interesting. :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Jumu
Jumu is a special place. When I enter J&K. I feel as excited as a kid. Though i cant compare it with Srinagar. vo to ultimate hai. but for the first time i was treated as an officer. company ki gaadi aayegi. guest hose mein rahoge. koi chinta nahi. there was so much to do and learn on site. I wonder why these engineers are so "bechara"? they dont move a bit without architects drawing. and architects take an undue advantage of this. this is not fair. i felt that an architect can impact a project in a big way (good or bad). He holds such a power. I think I must polish my architects skills. Its high time now. Only then i will be able to bring about a change.
Hail J&K. Ji Mata Di
Hail J&K. Ji Mata Di
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Masters
There are things that you must do and there are things that you want to do. If you have to chose one of them, what will you chose? Thats a big question. But its easy to answer if you ask yourself - what is the purpose of your life? The answer will clear the confusion. Now as far as masters goes, i am determined to do it. Maybe if not now, then two-three years down the line. But in what field? One option is real estate. It gives you big bucks. Security and opportunities to "rise". Thats what people expect you to do. To do well in life. Doing well means raking the moolah. Yeah. i want to marry and have a family. It requires financial freedom but will i marry? will she marry me? i dont know. truly. Maybe I am running after a dream which is not supposed to come true. So? Let me do something which makes me feel satisfied.
I often remember the days when i was expected to Computer engineering because it was the "best bet". I had joined BIT. But look what happened? I didn't enjoy it. So Lord gave me architecture as a birthday gift. What a miracle? So if Lord wanted me to just make big bucks, he'd have made me do BIT. But wanted me to follow my heart. So i did architecture. Now its the same cross roads. I want to do Real estate beacuse its big. Maybe i am not doing it for entirely myself. I am doing it for Papa, my future family, my friends and my realtives and everybody else who can see and appreciate and maybe it will make me more competent to help others.
But what do I want to do? If at all I had nothing to worry about, what would i do? I'd probably live at an airport. Probably I'd go off to Africa and learn about people and how do they live. Or maybe I'd go off to a quiet island and do some small architecture. Now the question is whether I can do all of these? No. Not at the same time. But I can do all of these one by one. Yes its possible. The only thing that I'd have to do is to break my dream of marriage. Maybe its holding me back from experiencing a lot of other exciting things. Maybe i can never have that utopian family dream come true.
I think I should follow my heart and the Lord will take care of the rest. Who knows his ways?
I will apply for masters next year and real estate will not be the only one.
Cheers!
I often remember the days when i was expected to Computer engineering because it was the "best bet". I had joined BIT. But look what happened? I didn't enjoy it. So Lord gave me architecture as a birthday gift. What a miracle? So if Lord wanted me to just make big bucks, he'd have made me do BIT. But wanted me to follow my heart. So i did architecture. Now its the same cross roads. I want to do Real estate beacuse its big. Maybe i am not doing it for entirely myself. I am doing it for Papa, my future family, my friends and my realtives and everybody else who can see and appreciate and maybe it will make me more competent to help others.
But what do I want to do? If at all I had nothing to worry about, what would i do? I'd probably live at an airport. Probably I'd go off to Africa and learn about people and how do they live. Or maybe I'd go off to a quiet island and do some small architecture. Now the question is whether I can do all of these? No. Not at the same time. But I can do all of these one by one. Yes its possible. The only thing that I'd have to do is to break my dream of marriage. Maybe its holding me back from experiencing a lot of other exciting things. Maybe i can never have that utopian family dream come true.
I think I should follow my heart and the Lord will take care of the rest. Who knows his ways?
I will apply for masters next year and real estate will not be the only one.
Cheers!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
A not so good day
Today was a special day. I learnt a lot of lessons. Thanks to my small mistake of not taking my furniture file along to the farmhouse. Everybody knew that except the list of items that i had taken along, rest all items had been reconciled. I, jaswani and zaweri were in sync. but ravinder mehta played villian as always. He when saw that this missing item list is gonna bounce back on him, he insisted on the copy of packing list which i had used for reconcilation although he should have had a copy himself (which obviously he had"misplaced on site"). And hence i was in dock. I tried to get it faxed to the site but it couldn't be done. Sharmaji called me up and used some tough words. Though he was kind. He was only worried about what "madam" will say to him about wasting the time of ppl from bombay. Horrendous it was. A madam on top of GM projects? It sounds cheap. I learnt quite a few things:
1. You are on your own. So wherever you go, go fully armoured.
2. Everybody is after saving his own ass and making his points in corporate, so dont expect morality and shit like that.
3. Do less but do complete. Refuse what you cant do. Its much better that doing a lot of half baked crap.
4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Dont shy away from fucking ppl whn you have to.
5. Management is not about being nice. Its about getting your work done.
6. Assume power if no one gives it you.
I think lets call it a day..
1. You are on your own. So wherever you go, go fully armoured.
2. Everybody is after saving his own ass and making his points in corporate, so dont expect morality and shit like that.
3. Do less but do complete. Refuse what you cant do. Its much better that doing a lot of half baked crap.
4. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Dont shy away from fucking ppl whn you have to.
5. Management is not about being nice. Its about getting your work done.
6. Assume power if no one gives it you.
I think lets call it a day..
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Mumbhai Trip
The trip to Mumbai was a much awaited break from desperate Delhi. Though it was not without glitches. I was supposed to leave on 15th morning by flight. and thus could not visit Roorkee to meet Mansi didi. The first thing I did was to get my return ticket extended. Then went to Kayani's shop and had some breakfast. It was super. I had already getting thoughts of settling in Mumbai. (Only South Mumbai). Wow!! Marine drive was as beautiful as ever. Lots of amazing Marathi girls with time 8-9. Hehehe. Went around and rented a shabby room in Kalba Devi. Rode in the crazy locals and had a good time. Somewhere on a station, I saw a group of Muslim girls who were as beautiful as hoors of jannat. My benchmarks of feminine beauty had changed. They were angels. Man!!
Next day I did the official work and praised the auto wallahs of Mumbai. They are quite opposite of the ones found in Delhi. Called up jainsaab and mausi. Jainsaab was excited at hearing the news of my Mumbai visit. I had expected that. Mausi on the other hand was in a Gandhi museum when I called her up. and it wasn,t that exciting to find her in that "formality mode". Sshe recovered after a while but then her battery gave way.
Its a mystery to me that why are women more conscious of their environment, particularly other humans?
But undoubtedly Mumbai is a crazy, honest, filthy and forgiving city. I'd rather prefer saddi dilli to amchi Mumbai, though i sincerely feel that I can well amalgamate myself with mumbai in no more that 6 months. Cheers!!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Kulwinder
I have always wondered, since my childhood days, that the people who use their saliva to turn the pages or count the currency, wheter use their inner lip or their tongue. Most of them use their inner lip, as i have noticed. But here I found a sardar who used the tip of his tongue to moisturize his thumb, when he turned the pages. He is Kulwinder (the great). He used to the store manager at the farmhouse. And he has now resigned (because he has now hot "sponsorship" from UK). His typical style - "Atri mere dost, Kulwinder ne duniya mein sab kuchh seekha hai, bas haarna (defeat) nahi seekha." He used to be always nervous, always figiting (correct the spellings). But a warm and friendly guy as far as I am concerned.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Its been a long time
Long time since my first post. What a busy period! My new job at Flex is quite hard but thoroughly interesting. I am loving being busy. There is so much to do everyday. So much to learn. Though its not a regular architects' job. But still, the management part is good. Yesterday I visited main Flex factory in sec 60, NOIDA. It was amazingly huge. I met "Uncle". He is one of the directors. Everybody calls him uncle. 85 yrs old, still active. People fear him like a don. He is something man! And yes I missed my flight to Jammy yesterday. My foolishness and my boss's disorientedness made this possible. Hurrah!!
There is lot more, I want to write. Soon.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
First Post
Yeah.. its my diary. Good or bad but this is it. Its my space. Its my space afterall. There are times when I want to share my thoughts with someone. Eralier I wrote them down on a diary. Then I wrote a white paper document to vent out myself. And now this is it. Typing is more fun than writing. And then there is that strong urge inside myself to freak out. And thats decided. I am gonna freak out soon. Sometimes things are so much on the nerves that I eather go to a temple or I go to Rishikesh. Well, these are times when a want a trusted person to listen to me, love me, guide me and who belongs to me. When I look around, I find nobody. There are friends, there is my father, there are certain relatives. But though I love them, they are too distant. I fall short of reaching out to them. So I reach out to God or Ganga. Ganga is like a mother to me and God is like a friend who doesn't mind if I cry in front of him, make accusations and frown in anger. Both of them have always embraced me and loved me. But apart from the emotional moments and the moments of desperation. There is a lot more that I want to write. I want to record that stuff. Otherwise I just think and forget and then after some time I realise that I should have written it down.
I want to make things clearer to myself. No fear, no guilt. Clear principles. Truth and freedom. Respect for some, carelessness for others. No bending of facts. Everything straight from my heart. Bye bye hypocracy. Welcome Life.
I want to make things clearer to myself. No fear, no guilt. Clear principles. Truth and freedom. Respect for some, carelessness for others. No bending of facts. Everything straight from my heart. Bye bye hypocracy. Welcome Life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
