I dont know how many things have taken place in these past few months. A lot has changed, I have changed. To summarize, Jainsaab has come back from Turkey. His coming back meant a surge in my energy too. He is so supportive! I feel he is the only person who is with me in letter and spirit. He can proclaim aloud that he is my friend and that he cares, and not only this, he really does take care. That is why I was missing him so much when he was away. Its not possible for me to describe how much do i wish him to succeed as a great architect. Well he is back now. He needs to focus himself though to achieve his goal. I often wonder why does my life revolves around my friends, when their lives do not include me to that extent. I have no answer. This is how it is. Abhro is like a brother. He cares but he tries to remain too safe. And also, he thinks of himself as somebody who is not capable of taking much care of his loved ones. He is wrong. He is capable. But is not willing to try. If at all he tried to come in foreground, to say that Yes I take the responsibility. Yes I am with you, Yes I will take care of you, I'd would have been really proud of him. Maybe he says this with conviction to some people. People who are closer to his heart. But I am not the lucky one.
Then, Mansi didi got married. I was dumb enough not to attend her wedding. I regret it. But I know she and Surbhi will forgive me for that. When I had met Surbhi on the day when Shivani was treating us before leaving, i had an impression that all is not well between her and Raj. And Shivani also told me afterwards that there was a problem. Maybe she had had a word with her. I wanted to talk to her about this but the occassion was so good that i couldn't spoil her mood. I want to know and I want to help. But I know Surbhi. She will never talk about this, atleast on phone. I will have to visit her soon. Surbhi is so complete a girl. I really admire her. I dont know whether to say this or not (because she is with Raj) that I also love her. I can never see her sad. She is so sweet. How can she be sad?? She does not deserve it. Then i wonder, why do we live in a society where saying that "I love you" is a taboo? Why is it taken in a wrong way. If love somebody, does it imply that i am romantically linked with that person? No. I just love. And I am not ashamed to say that. I can proclaim that in public, but people would not like it not even people whom I love. They'd be embarrassed. What is the big deal? I understand that if somebody is in a "relationship" he or she would not like to be "loved" by another person. But to me its shit. How can you not like being loved. Afterall I am not after you. I am with you.
Precisely is the case with Shivani. Maybe she is someone whom I love the most on this earth. It can not be expressed in words, but I had hard time make her believe that my intentions are "not bad". Why was it such a burden on her? Is it a sin to love? Or is it taken for granted that if you love a person, you are longing for his or her romance? If I said that that I never wanted to marry her then I'd be lying. But I always suppressed and killed this thought for ever. But then I cant stop loving her. Its not a sin. I have done nothing wrong. I still remember what she once said to me on a rainy evening - "Whether I will be with Kuber or not, maybe, is uncertain but you will never be the one in my life". I stood listening and I promised. I stand by my promise. I killed the thought. But banishing the force of expression is hard. Its tough to act formal on all counts. Why is it like that? Why does the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" hold a superlative degree to the the term "friend"?
When I think all this, i also feel that I am a fool. I am running around and proclaiming that Yes I am with you. But people say "what the fuck dude? whats wrond with you? we dont need you to be special. Just be in your limits. Dont dare express yourself or we'll just chuk you out. Afterall its for your own satisfaction that you are trying to be with us. It wont matter to us much even if you leave. We have other options. Ok? So be a good boy. Behave yourself". This is what they say. And I just listen. I obey them. They are right. Its me who needs them. But i am tired of it. Tired of being a good obedient boy. I will have my life. Thay cant give me my life. I will have my life on my own. Its quite possible that I live a lonely life. But atleast I will enjoy my true self. Though I will always love them, whether they like it or not. Its certain.
Then, Mansi didi got married. I was dumb enough not to attend her wedding. I regret it. But I know she and Surbhi will forgive me for that. When I had met Surbhi on the day when Shivani was treating us before leaving, i had an impression that all is not well between her and Raj. And Shivani also told me afterwards that there was a problem. Maybe she had had a word with her. I wanted to talk to her about this but the occassion was so good that i couldn't spoil her mood. I want to know and I want to help. But I know Surbhi. She will never talk about this, atleast on phone. I will have to visit her soon. Surbhi is so complete a girl. I really admire her. I dont know whether to say this or not (because she is with Raj) that I also love her. I can never see her sad. She is so sweet. How can she be sad?? She does not deserve it. Then i wonder, why do we live in a society where saying that "I love you" is a taboo? Why is it taken in a wrong way. If love somebody, does it imply that i am romantically linked with that person? No. I just love. And I am not ashamed to say that. I can proclaim that in public, but people would not like it not even people whom I love. They'd be embarrassed. What is the big deal? I understand that if somebody is in a "relationship" he or she would not like to be "loved" by another person. But to me its shit. How can you not like being loved. Afterall I am not after you. I am with you.
Precisely is the case with Shivani. Maybe she is someone whom I love the most on this earth. It can not be expressed in words, but I had hard time make her believe that my intentions are "not bad". Why was it such a burden on her? Is it a sin to love? Or is it taken for granted that if you love a person, you are longing for his or her romance? If I said that that I never wanted to marry her then I'd be lying. But I always suppressed and killed this thought for ever. But then I cant stop loving her. Its not a sin. I have done nothing wrong. I still remember what she once said to me on a rainy evening - "Whether I will be with Kuber or not, maybe, is uncertain but you will never be the one in my life". I stood listening and I promised. I stand by my promise. I killed the thought. But banishing the force of expression is hard. Its tough to act formal on all counts. Why is it like that? Why does the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" hold a superlative degree to the the term "friend"?
When I think all this, i also feel that I am a fool. I am running around and proclaiming that Yes I am with you. But people say "what the fuck dude? whats wrond with you? we dont need you to be special. Just be in your limits. Dont dare express yourself or we'll just chuk you out. Afterall its for your own satisfaction that you are trying to be with us. It wont matter to us much even if you leave. We have other options. Ok? So be a good boy. Behave yourself". This is what they say. And I just listen. I obey them. They are right. Its me who needs them. But i am tired of it. Tired of being a good obedient boy. I will have my life. Thay cant give me my life. I will have my life on my own. Its quite possible that I live a lonely life. But atleast I will enjoy my true self. Though I will always love them, whether they like it or not. Its certain.
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