God, save me!!!

Guess what? I finally made it to Mata Vaishno Devi's Durbar. It was good. It was something that I wanted to do for a long time. But it was more of a ritual than a real spiritually satisfying trip. I know its not correct to state this but its true. Somehow the excitement, the longing and the expectation was not upto the mark. I was lacking in something. I was lacking in faith. I tried to generate some, but succeeded only partially. I thought it over. Why did I lack that faith? Maybe I have stopped expecting even from gods. I know. I know it’s a shame to speak thus, but let me complete. I have given up. But I have only stopped expecting the emotional support. Rest is okay. God has given me everything I had desired. I have celebrated with him and thanked him. But in the matters of heart, I have lost. Nobody seems to be around now, not even God. I went to Vaishno Devi with only one wish, though I pretended to take along a list of wishes for my family members and friends. I tried to be politically correct with God. But I know he knows that there was only one thing on my mind – to pray to get a partner. I prayed for it and for all. I am not sure whether my prayer will be answered because I am a strange person. I am still living in past and future and I keep on losing on present. When I first liked a girl, I didn't even know I liked her and there is more that one should do apart from keeping on liking. And the only girl I have ever loved (in a sense of falling in love), to whatever extent, even refuses to be loved. Its an irony, isn’t it? Although I have vowed not to think in that manner, but its not going from my mind 100%. I still visualize her as a perfect match sometimes and its dangerous. I don’t want to do this. I want to move on. I want to be told that there a plenty of such matches in this world. But I fail to find one. I am desperate to find the same as soon as possible. I am sure I will move on then. But as on today I cant leave her like that. I don’t know why but I have taken some sort of moral responsibility on myself to take care of her. Maybe its part of me. I don’t want to be mean and slimy. I don’t want to be a liar and a hypocrite. I just want to move on. With her or alone. God! Just do something. Save me!