It is perhaps my most difficult hour in life that I am writing this post. I lost Papa on 5th of March 2015 and since then I am feeling that I have lost a big chunk of myself.
The day I lost him made me feel like being abandoned by God himself. I felt that there is nothing for me in this world and no reason to live now.
I lost my history, my heritage my friend, philosopher, guide, guru and my witness.Papa was the only one who witnessed me for the greatest part of my life. For 33 years. He was constant for me since my birth. At the age of 21 when I lost mummy I still had him with me. He was my mother and father and everything since then. Atleast till I married.
My every professional and social effort was either inspired by him or was targeted to please him and have his appreciation. I feel now that there is nobody in this world who will appreciate my life as a whole, nobody who would accept me as I am in totality, nobody who would stand with me for everything big or small so selflessly.
I feel a part of me has died. A part of my mind, a part of my soul, a part of my conciousness. Everyday I pary to God that when I wake up next morning, I find this as a bad dream and not reality. Every day I miss Papa.His presence. His blessings.
When I analyze myself, I feel that I have not been a good enough son. I could not make him as confortable as I should have. I could not make him as cheerful as I should have.
Right now I see no way how I can console myself, how I can distract myself, how I can pay my penance, how I can forgive myself.
I see no way. I find temporary solace in rituals, I found some solace in the company of Ma Ganga who said to be that she will take care of Papa as she did of Mummy. But I could not embrace Ma Ganga properly yesterday among all those rituals. I find some solace in the company of my wife and daughter but it is beyond there capacity to fully understand how torn my heart is right now, which not even their fault.
My connection with Papa was unique for him and for me.
Forgive me God. Forgive me Papa. Give me peace. Heal my heart.
Om
The day I lost him made me feel like being abandoned by God himself. I felt that there is nothing for me in this world and no reason to live now.
I lost my history, my heritage my friend, philosopher, guide, guru and my witness.Papa was the only one who witnessed me for the greatest part of my life. For 33 years. He was constant for me since my birth. At the age of 21 when I lost mummy I still had him with me. He was my mother and father and everything since then. Atleast till I married.
My every professional and social effort was either inspired by him or was targeted to please him and have his appreciation. I feel now that there is nobody in this world who will appreciate my life as a whole, nobody who would accept me as I am in totality, nobody who would stand with me for everything big or small so selflessly.
I feel a part of me has died. A part of my mind, a part of my soul, a part of my conciousness. Everyday I pary to God that when I wake up next morning, I find this as a bad dream and not reality. Every day I miss Papa.His presence. His blessings.
When I analyze myself, I feel that I have not been a good enough son. I could not make him as confortable as I should have. I could not make him as cheerful as I should have.
Right now I see no way how I can console myself, how I can distract myself, how I can pay my penance, how I can forgive myself.
I see no way. I find temporary solace in rituals, I found some solace in the company of Ma Ganga who said to be that she will take care of Papa as she did of Mummy. But I could not embrace Ma Ganga properly yesterday among all those rituals. I find some solace in the company of my wife and daughter but it is beyond there capacity to fully understand how torn my heart is right now, which not even their fault.
My connection with Papa was unique for him and for me.
Forgive me God. Forgive me Papa. Give me peace. Heal my heart.
Om
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