Do Come

Do come for me, O dear one

At my pyre to pray

Pray for me and my little soul

When I really am gone away.

Appeal

Okay. Things are a bit clearer now. I've kinda figured out what do I have to do with my professional life. I might not have all those neatly chalked out plans but I know in my heart. This is a good thing. There is a superstition of not spilling the beans about your plans, and I adhere to it for now. So no more talking about it. After much infighting and much bloodshed within myself, I am also sure about the girl of my dreams. But again the superstition stops me from going into detail. As far as Helix is concerned, my dream was to create a platform which I think will get accomplished within next six months. I want to withdraw myself from active helix for my own self - to pursue the human being in me - pursue my goals - to pursue things I like. So after six months hopefully, I'll be able to relieve myself from Helix. Atleast its daily affairs. I promise, I'll stay connected. My colleagues would understand me, this is all I can hope. I want my shakhas to be self sufficient too. I would not be available for them from next year onwards. I know I can contribute a lot. But not at the cost of myself. No. I humbly withdraw. And I wish to break away from my relatives and "casual friends". I pray to them - let me go free. Please do not hold me, do not bind me. I do not belong to you anymore. Yes I'm always available for you in case of emergency, in case you really need me. But let it be all. Atleast for the time being. I might come back to this world if circumstances desire so. Pray for me if you really love me, pray for my life. Do not be selfish. Thanks a lot!!

Anger

Today, an extraordinary feeling of anger engulfed me. I was supposed to go to office early - arond 7:30, so that i can finish my work by 9:30 and leave for my french class. It was my class today. I had planned everything and I was quite excited. But when I came out of the house, I found that another car was parked in front of my car. I knew whose car was this. It belonged to a regular family living opposite to my building. I went up to their floor and rang the door bell. No one responded. I tried several times. No answer. I came down to explore any possibility of moving my car without disturbing his car. No. It didnt seem possible. I tried to push his car hoping it would be parked in neutral. But no. It was tied with a firm hand-brake. I went up again. No answer again. Howcome? They are a family of 5-6 people. All disappered in thin sky? Then suddenly i remembered. They had another car. They must have taken it. So they had parked their car in hand brake in front of mine and had just left.
I didnt expect this from these people. They always seemed polite. Although they parked both of their car in front of my house, i had never raised any objection. And when I came home late, I parked somewhere else - to avoid any disturbance. Whenever i found that their car was not around, i had always parked my car in neutral. So that they didnt encounter any probelm later. And they were so unruly? I didnt deserve this.
I was feeling very angry. How would I reach office now? I didnt want to miss my first class. They had practically ruined my day because of their stupidity. Fucking bhenchods! Haraami saale! I wanted to tear apart each tyre of their car with my hunting knife. I knew, i'll get a call from boss anytime soon. I was stuck.
Then I thought of using my bike. it was in a bad shape though. I came home to find my jacket. But couldnt find it. Its such a mess in there. Fuck! Yes yes i know I have to clean it up. Who else will do? But should i fucking run for my office everyday or be a fucking home maker? Damn that idiot! Bhenchod, it was all because of him. I was getting really mad.
Then i was unable to find my helmet. I dont even remember who borrowed it. I'm so clumsy! Anyway, I knew i'll miss my class. It was already 9:30. I borrowed a helmet from a friend. Somehow started my bike and reached office. I just want to kill that chootiya fucker! Shit!!
I still have to decide whether i'll fire him face to face or just tear the tyres of his fucking car tonight! I hate him for making me so angry! Chootiya bhosdi ka!!

Summer

Thy hue, thy glow, thy aura charms me;
O summer, wish I could be forever by thee.

Ma Ganga

Come they and they go
their evils as they throw;
Your waters mild and mellow
seldom cease to flow;
You bear them like a parent
no pain you ever show;
You bless them like a fairy
you smile at watch them grow;
Your tread we hail Ma Ganga
to mighty sea from snow.

Sages

In the name of truth and wisdom
why they sages go astray?
If only they could but be back
They'll find solace - I say.

A letter to Mausi...

Dear Mausi
Hope you are doing good and enjoying your work and life. When I last called you up (guess it was on sunday), I found myself pondering over the brief chat we had. The chat was nothing different from what we usually have. But there is something I wish to share with you. When you joined NID, I was one of the happiest persons on the earth because I thought that it was a unique place that can make you exploring yourself as a designer. I had promised myself that I'd call you up every week - partially because I wanted to be around for you to share your thoughts and gossips and everything that happened back at your college throughout the week, But more so because I wanted to stay connected to you in some way. You perhaps realized over the course of time that I regularly called you because it served my interest (to stay connected), but still you managed not to avoid me and my never ending calls. This was because of the appreciation/respect you still had in me. There was a time, i still remember, when you'd look forward talking to me. But that was a long time back. Somewhere down the line a forced sense of detachment came over your thoughts. I say "forced" because it is unnatural for a human being to be detached. But I agree, our society teaches us a lot of things that are unnatural. But your being detached comes from a different reason altogether. I believe it comes from the 'not so good' things that you have experienced. A fear sometimes engulfs us after we go through such experiences. Fear of trusting people. Fear of believing in them. Fear of having faith in others. It is the fear of losing the trust, faith and belief. As you read this, you might be tempted to ask yourself subconsciously "why is he giving all this gyan?" or "whats behind all this?" or "I dont deserve to hear this crap from him - after all who is he?". This feeling is similar to the one you might have when I call you up every week. "There has to be a hidden reason why this guy is calling me up so regularly...". And the fear might just make you believe that the "hidden reason" is a bad one. Well, the reason could be good too. And you'd say - "I agree. Thats why I have been taking your calls. Isn't it?". No. Because if you really believed that the reason could be good, you'd not be so guarded. You would have indulged. You would've shared your thoughts. You would have given me an opportunity to express myself. I know that you know that you have held yourself back all this while. And the reason is same - fear of trusting me. Okay. I understand. There could be a possibility of us coming closer as friends if you were not that guarded. I also agree that chances of me wanting to come closer are more than you wanting the same. But you'd agree that chances of you wanting to have a stronger frienship are not nill. Alright. If asked you to shed your guard and trust me as your friend for a minute, what would be the probability of us developing a stronger bond? Say Fifty-fifty. It means that there might be 50% chances of us not starting to share a stronger bond. So why not take the risk for that 50% rather than playing safe for this 50%. Our friendship might turn out well and we could be the best friends. Who knows? And say if chances of us sharing a stronger bond, if you lowered your guard, are more than 50% - say 70% or 80% then it'd be pity if we didn't give it a try. Isn't it? Now, you might say - "Friendship has never been an issue. Afterall we have been cordial. I have even shared a lot of thoughts with you and I have been giving advices to you about your own life. The problem is about possibility of you falling in love with me if i am less guarded with you!". I understand your problem. You have had enough people falling in love with you - some of them your good friends. And their foolishness (of falling in love - as they may call) ruined the good frienship as well. Yes. Its a pity. Hmmm. You have a valid point. Would I fall in love with you if you'd be less guarded? Its a tough one. But my answer is NO. We have talked about this earlier in more subtle terms, when you got my commitment of not doing any foolish thing (thereby meaning - of not falling in love) before you opened up your heart and shared the tough times that you went through then. But even then you never asked "why"? Why would I not fall in love with you? No. Its not my capability of NOT falling in love with you even after liking you so much. Its not that. Okay - let me tell you something that you might not be knowing. If we follow the most general definition of "falling in love" - I fell in love with you on the first day I saw you. But because the most general definition of "falling in love" means more of "having a crush" than actually falling in love therefore I dont want to count it. Crushes come and go. My crush, too, came and went. But there is more to the reason of me not willing to fall in love with you even if given a chance. Its because I already love you more than a lot of other people who are part of my life. On some moments, I love you more than everyone and everything else on the earth. But, you know, I love you as a princess, as a child. It gives me immense pleasure to be able to make you feel good.
Remember, the numerous number of times you have asked me to get married to a good girl? I think that you feel that I really need a life partner and because I dont have one, I am investing too much emotions in my friends (and in the process, ending up calling you every week - regularly). Your feeling is partially correct. Yes I really need a life partner but thats not the reason of me valuing my friends so much. Its not like "because I dont have a wife I love my dadr and after I get married, I will stop loving him". Can this ever happen? Similarly, you are part of me now. Its not that I am taking a refuge till I find a life partner. You are you and I accept you as you are and believe me, you are terrific!
So, after all that pain that you've been through reading this letter, all I want to ask you is that please open up your heart and indulge. Trust, believe and have faith. Even in mortal humans like me. Be attached. I am not going gobble you up. Nor am I going to break your trust. I am incapable of doing that. Be yourself. You HAVE been made to love people and getting loved by them - not be detached. And NO, we both are NOT going to fall in love with each other just by giving ourselves a better chance to open up and trusting each other. And even if we do, its not a sin for God's sake!
All the best and cheers

sher

हुस्न को देखने न वाला हो, हुस्न तक़रीर बन के रह जाए।

इश्क में माशूक गर साथ न हो, इश्क तसवीर बन के रह जाए।

The sun'll set you see

Down the setting sun

dark shadows I see;

Might I be tall

they're taller than me;

I hear them call

they call my name;

Kind while they sound

I wish to go free;

They know they'll grow

and together get me;

But tough it may seem

the sun'll set you see;

And they will have to go -

the sun'll set you see...

Why expect too much?

To me it occurs sometimes when I feel that I expect too much from anybody and everybody - from my father, my friends, my relatives, my boss, my client, my vendors, guys on road and guys not on road. Just everybody one can think off. Its really not fair to them. They deserve their own space and their own things. Yes I have my own world with my own rules but then doesn’t everybody have their own little worlds? I expect young girls not to think about sex – forget having it altogether. Why? I mean its just natural for young people (including girls) to think about sex and having it too. Whats wrong with it? I expect my father to talk to me, share his feelings, tell me to do or not to do things. Why? Why cant he be just himself? Isn’t it stupid to ask him to change at this age? I expect my fellow helix people to take its responsibility. Why should they? Its not their baby. Okay. When I do something for somebody, I expect the person to feel it and return. Why? Cant he have the liberty to ignore me? Its human. So, let me try to be detached. Let people do what they do. They play their games by their own rules. My rules apply only to me. That must be clear. Let me do my own thing. And let me just do it.

Confusion and Agony

Devendra Chachaji is no more with us. Yes I sometimes feel his pain but I am happy that he is relieved now. We all could have done more and we all could have prevented some things from happening. Yes. But it doesnt make any sense anymore. DLF Metro is now a question mark. Offer from Leeds has arrived. I am still waiting for Darmstadt. Taking study loan is not a very wise thing to do, given the uncertain market conditions. Helix is in a fix. Practically I am alone because practically I took the lead. I take the onus. I dont want to mess up Sanjeev's work. So I will do this job atleast. Come what may. On the other hand, they are building up a pressure on me to give my consent for marriage. I am holding. Beacuse I cant refuse. She is so good. She is so innocent. She is so pretty. I know, I cant get a better match. But can I marry so soon when I am professionally so confused? I need to sort out things before its gets too messy to clean up. The good part is that I now know that I am alone – in my friend circle. It makes easier to take decisions. You don’t have to ask a lot of people. Also the family came closer all this while. So there is a new avenue that has opened up. God is great. I want to leave a lot to him. Let him decide. I am sure he will do the right thing. May God bless his soul.

At the airport..

Arrival and departure
and the lounge we share
Plus the hustle & bustle
that surrounds us there.
What else is life?
I wonder sweet lord
For some its glory
for some its glare...

Desperation

They have their own lives
n have I my none;
Even as they are my soul
n for them I'm no one.

Desperation - Why?

"Why" begot why
and "why" begets why,
Who knew this and
would he know "why"?