Pain

Maybe this is why I do not stay at home. It provokes me to think. To think about myself. Today when I was trying to make a list of courses I "want" to apply for, i suddenly realized that this is not something I "want" to do, but some thing I "should" do. Fuck! What the hell was I doing? What the hell was I doing for the last some months? I was not being myself. I was betraying myself. I was acting like a good boy. I was acting as a responsible person. And in the process I was killing myself. I was trying to adapt to a world of corporate sharks. I was negating my hard earned 5 years which made me what I am today. Why was I running towards hell? No answer. Its just that this is what one must do. I do shit all day at my office and call it management. I abuse people on my way back home and call it a necessity. I feel like drinking to get over the ugly day and I want to try smoking. What the fuck?? Whats wrong? I keep telling myself that I must do all this to earn and support my home. I must stay with my father because he needs me. Is this true? Is it okay to kill oneself everyday to "support" his home? I dont know. But what I know that when I was weeping and crying for help today and when i was desperate to talk to an angel, I found none. I scanned them and I found that I mean no more that an iota to them.
I found myself alone. I am not sure what I want in life. But I know what I enjoying doing? One thing that I have realized over months is that I am an architect. I cant kill the architect in me. And I want to use my skills NOT for myself but for those whom I dont know. Who live a struggling life yet manage to laugh. For those who expect nothing from me but who shed a tear or two when they can trust me. There are many who need me and whom I need. I, however, do not need these selfish bunch of people around me.
I believe in you God. Please forgive me and show me the way. I trust you and love you. Protect me form these sharks God. You sent me here. You will protect me and my people I know. Take the fear out of me o God. I pray.