जाम

हर चौराहे पे जो जाम मिला करता है,

दोज़ख़ कि दौड़ में आराम मिला करता है.

150210100830

Bad decision!

Today something happened which made me feel disempowered, caged and sad. And although this blog is supposed to be transparent sans mercy yet I think I only have the right to describe those whom I love and trust. I really dont want to describe those who do not impact me much. So as it turned out today, an assignment that was undertaken was not done required justice which caused the 'client' undesired harassment and delay and because the 'client' was a dear one, he didnt complain all this while and maybe I was either too stupid or too indifferent to take proper notice of the situation. And therefore I cant escape the blame either. I said sorry and felt it too. And because they are good people and because I never intended to cause any discomfort, they'll forgive me in due course - i'm sure. And what lessons have i learnt today? Guess atleat three. One - Be more professional, two - analyze people in a better way before you trust them with a responsibility and three - be more sensitive to the people you really like.
This wont happen again. Sorry once again! Bad decision I guess.

Grumblings

Well, do I have any other place to speak up my mind? Hell no! Its crazy but true to a certain extent. This year has been quite an eye-opener, if I may call the shattering of my dreams as “eye-opening”. But here in our country we are so optimistic that we find something good in everything bad. Isn’t it? Kudos! But sometimes each of us allows ourselves an exception or two. And those are the times when we are true in our reactions. And those are the times when we’re really desperate, really in pain and really with no hope whatsoever. And those moments live on for a long time. So this year has brought me some of those much intense moments. At a first, j'ai proposé à la fille que j'ai aimé désespérément mais elle a refuse. Then, some terrible things happened at Helix which made us lose some of our valuable clients and made me lose a big chunk of my confidence. Things didn’t work out as I thought they will. My project refuses to become a reality, still, which has started to scare me now. And recently, I figured out that whatever I do; I can never make it for my masters. This time I had tried with all my strength. But I failed. Again. And I knew it was my last chance. So, with my heart filled of desperation and grief and with no courage to cry and shout aloud, I carried on. And I’m carrying on. But I’m scared that I still have a lot to be robbed off. I still have some dreams to get broken. So, what would I do? I’d spend more time with myself and with things and people who are really mine. I’m not sure if I really want to become a warrior at this point and fight all odds. I’d rather be a non entity and accept what comes. I’d rather pray to my lord. I’d rather say – ‘I can’t do it’ than say – ‘Ok, it looks challenging..let me try it’. I’d rather wake up to the real world devoid of fairy tales and charming dreams.
Hmm.. but on a second thought, I’d rather publish this post, pity myself a little more and then go back to do what I do best – dream new and fight afresh. These sad stories of failure, I think, fail to entice me for long. Darn! So, the next question is – what’s the backup plan baby? ;)

A letter to Dada

Dear Dada
This is probably the first time I'm writing to you. I always wanted to but guess this is the first time I'm feeling so motivated. Let me tell you that almost everybody including me thinks that you are a great guy. You're a great guy not because they dont know much about you and hence give you a benefit of doubt but because what they know about you is enough for them to think so. And your qualities are well known and I see no point in repeating them once again. All I wish to tell you what I've read of you in an honest way. Professionally, you know more than many of us. You have worked on projects and you know the technicalities. You have developed some formidable concepts for interiors and I've personally loved the design of that Israeli telecom firm's office. It was outstanding. And I'm not lying. You have a potential of becoming one of the best as far as corporate interiors go. What you really still lack is professional confidence. You still need validation and you still need protection. Its about time you realized it. You are your own boss for the time being and I would love to see you being your own boss in future too. But you still need to realize it fully. Its not about working as a freelancer or working for another company. A boss is a boss everywhere. A boss would takes his own decisions. Well, if he needs professionally advice he would ask for it but then he would not be bound or overpowered by the advice. He would not take the advice on the face of it and conveniently shelve the responsibility on to the shoulders of the advisor. No. He would just thank the advisor and get on to his own business. Because the boss has the power to discard an advice if he finds it unsuitable. But then the boss holds the entire responsibilty of the consequences.
I know that you are such a nice and modest person that you would believe everything that I say here. But let me ask you not to believe me blindly. As a matter of fact I am an arrogant punjabi professional to an extent. I am trying to recover but there is still a long way to go. When we were doing the Arena project, I could not hold myself from thrusting my opinion on to you. I am really sorry for it. I forgot that it was your project and I should not have intefered in the design atleast. The problem is that I am too arogant and harsh and you are too soft and modest. Maybe we should share our qualities a bit :)
I would love to see you in charge of every aspect of the project. I have always felt that an architect is more than just a designer. He is a project manager, project planner, quality controller and a marketing executive. I would love to see you excel in each of these fields. Let me tell you a little secret rule of architectural practice in India - "Client is an ignorant baby god". Our job is to give him guardianship, give him confidence, make him aware about things and still obey him. Sounds tough but feels not once you're at it.
So you gotta move on. Be your own boss in real. Nobody will be there to bail you out everytime. So you need to bail you out yourself. Yes, I will be always there standing for you because you are my best friend. Whether we work together or not. But in a professional project that you concieve, nobody can help you beyond a limit.
Hope I made some sense although it has been somewhat a crazy time for me.
Love you Dada

Some extreme shit...

पूर्णिमा के चन्द्रमा का पूर्ण छेदन कर दिया,
गुदा भेदी बाण से जो गुदा भेदन कर दिया.
प्रबल यौवन के शिखर पर अप्सरा थी जो खड़ी,
कुसुम कोमल अप्सरा का गर्व भंजन कर दिया.

Help!!

Help me..somebody

before its too late...

Emerging Market and the Architect

India, no doubt, is a hub of opportunities right now but the opportunities come with the difficulties of an emerging market. Consumer has more purchasing power than ever before as far as products are concerned but he is still not developed enough to shell out money to hire professionals. Because for a serving middle class, paying for a service is still a big deal. It is only when the class changes that the awareness through peers brings about a change in the attitudes. But I'm glad that the scenario is changing for the architect. Ten years back the concept of hiring an architect was limited to the public and big business institutions and that is why the practice of architecture was quite underdeveloped in India.
This can explain the exclusion of India from the race of Modernism in Architecture in the past decades. And this is true for all developing economies excpet those which either stuck to their colonial past by virtue of their racial proximity like Brazil and Mexico or those which upheld and embraced the ideals of capitalism and open market and in-turn got rewarded by the riches of Modern Architecture like Japan, Korea and Singapore.
And now as India enthusiastically and forcefully enters the global market economy, its middle class aspires to have more. Unfortunately the middle class of an emerging market is often compared of that of a mature market, which I feel is unjustified. Infact the upper class of an emerging market is equivalent of the middle class of a mature market. So, it is still hard for a vast majority of Indian Upper Middle and Upper class to patronize architects and get a "designer home" for themselves. They are still more than happy to pretend that they know everything and spending on an architect is foolishness. Because, infact, this is their real class exactly - middle, mediocre and, in harsher words, cattle.
<190420100942>

To my "secular" friend...

I know it is politically incorrect to bring up so called political debates in front of you because you are least interested in all this crap – as you might like to put it. But unfortunately, I couldn’t help but bring forth this issue. Maybe my birth into a family which had an opinion on each and every thing is to be blamed. I must confess that before I started to pronounce ‘daddy’ I was expected to have an opinion on ‘Islamic Terrorism’. Most radicals I’ve met were either reasonably rational or ‘opinion-less’ before graduating to extremism. But for me it was quite opposite. I was more extreme in my views on politics and society when I was 12. It could sound funny but my ‘aim of life’ used to be to kill at-least one muslim. Since then as I got introduced to different people and their points of view, and later as I travelled and read and analyzed more and more, I kind of became more rational, reasonable and logical. And it was when I broadly figured out how the world operates. And it was also when I figured out that neither morality nor logic nor can power alone govern human behavior. Human behavior – as an individual and as a group is guided by host of genetic, environmental, instinctive, biological and social factors. And believe me, it is mind boggling. It sometimes even forces me to go back from the theory of evolution to the theories of intelligent design and intelligent transplant. But that’s altogether a different subject.
At this juncture, I’d like to share some of my experiences and thoughts with you. And I will not ask you why you call yourself secular because I know that you don’t know a shit about secularism. You merely say this word because everybody else does. I also know that what you actually want to convey is that you are tolerant, peaceful and treat other religions with same respect and warmth as your own. You know that people of faith are right in their paths of seeking solace in God. You know that all spiritual paths eventually lead to God. And you don’t reject a person merely because his way of worship is different than yours. What you actually want to convey is that you believe in equality and compassion of all human beings. And you’re absolutely right. Absolutely! But have you ever thought who taught you all this? How come your vision is so broad? How come you are so aware and so enlightened? Have you ever thought? Tell me honestly. If not then let me throw some light. It is by virtue of you being an Indian, born into this civilization, born into one of the Indian families with such values, born into this magnificent tradition, born on this spectacular land that you are so tolerant, so content, so clear and so true in your thoughts. In simple words, you were born enlightened.
Let me tell you that you have a recorded history of at least 10,000 years behind you. Your ancestors developed these values of tolerance and compassion much before the first European started to eat the cooked food. You knew that trees have life before you were taught this officially. When people tell you that wild animals must not be killed and rivers must be preserved you are not surprised because this is no new information for you. It’s a way of life for you. It’s a way of life for you to look after your parents, touch feet of elders, treat your sister as an equal, marry only once and respect your spouse, take care of your children throughout your life. It’s a way of life for you to pay respect to the forces of nature and to personify the good things into gods and goddesses and in-turn aspire to imbibe those good things in yourself. It’s a way of life for you to be aware that you are more than a biological body. You are a manifestation of all those good qualities which you call God. It’s a way of life for you to be aware that you have an opportunity to make yourself a better human being in this life so that you could be born as a refined being in your next birth and you hope to achieve the perfect bliss after you have risen to that level that you don’t need to take any more births. It’s a way of life for you. That is how you are Indian or Hindu. Did you know that Hindu means Indian? Do you know that before Persians told us that they call us Hindus – or people of Indus – people living on the other side of river Indus, we never even used the term. We called ourselves Aryas or Bharateeyas. We didn’t have religions because everybody had the same way of life. Yes we had different sects – Vaishnavas, Shaakts, Shaivas and others but we always had some underlying unity and sense of being one people. It was foreigners who coined the term Hinduism or Indian-ness and this how they described our collective values.
Practically, it was only after Muslims invaded our country and settled in large numbers that the concept of ‘us’ and ‘them’ emerged. All other invaders preceding Muslims either left with our riches or settled and lost their identity in our great Indian Diaspora thereby becoming an inseparable part of us. But with Muslims, it was different. They were not just random tribals. They were a force with clear political and social agenda guided by the Caliphate of Arabia. I must objectively state that I’d not be exaggerating if I say that the Muslim invaders killed at-least 20% of the Indian population mercilessly and forced another 30% to convert to Islam in due course. Yes, it is true that we Indians, in absence of single political entity and in over-abundance our liberal values, lost out to the Muslims who ruled large parts of our country for many centuries. But still we struggled and managed to preserve our culture and traditions unlike other preys of Muslim aggression like Persia, Afghanistan, Egypt, Algeria, Sudan, Turkey, Spain, Israel, Lebanon, Syria, Libya, Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan, Kirgizstan to name a few who lost all of their identities to Islam.
Well, British colonizers succeeded Muslim rulers in our country and rest is well known to you because it is taught extensively in our text books. And eventually after nearly a millennium of foreign rule we finally liberated ourselves in the year 1947. And then we gave ourselves a really good constitution that clearly reflected our values as a civilization. But as it turned out, Muslims living in India wanted a separate country for themselves. And it came as a surprise and shock to us. Maybe we had started to expect a certain behavior from them. We wanted them to think like us – act like us – be like us. Tolerant and compassionate. I understand that this is quite natural. It is difficult not to expect good things from others. But others might have limitations. Others might not have the legacy of thousands of years of evolved civilization. Others might be still primitive in their views. It is sometimes hard to understand the limitations of others. Why an African kid takes double the time solving the same math problem as compared to his Indian classmate can explain the power of developed intellectual faculties by virtue of being a part of a glorious past.
That the Muslims of India and elsewhere are still guided by a single book and a single prophet is a fact. That they have a distinct identity which is superior to the identity they inherit as citizens of a particular country and which they want to protect at any cost is a fact. That the moderate voices amongst them turn out to be either too timid or too few is a fact. That they would require another 500 years to realize the tenets of mutual respect, tolerance and harmony, too, is a fact sadly. The time when a common Muslim man would dare say that all paths lead to God and there is no harm in having diversity of cultures and faiths, the time when a Muslim living in India would dare say that he is proud to be a successor of our glorious tradition of several thousand years is still far away. Just like you, I too, wish that the realization may come to them sooner than we expect but my problem is what do I do now? Today? This year? In the next 50 years? Can I let somebody else’s ignorance ruin my freedom, my rights, my security, my culture, future of my children and sovereignty of my country? Okay, I might have a moral responsibility to enlighten others who are intellectually deprived but at what cost? Should I keep fooling myself that no more Pakistans will be carved out again? Different identity would require different country again. It is just a matter of numbers. Suppose, Muslims outnumber Indians in this country, what value system will prevail? Obviously the value system of the majority community. Would I want my future generations to slave again for Muslims? My answer is - no. No. How can I let that happen? Why shouldn’t the better value system prevail? Can I afford to lose my glorious tradition to some stupid, barbaric and primitive ideology? My answer is – no.
I want you to know this fact – India is liberal, democratic and tolerant only because we are in majority – we Indians – we Hindus, as we are known today. We are the messengers and torch bearers of superior cultural values. If we lose our political and demographic ground to Muslims, these values will go down with us. Is this what you want? I hope not.
And yes, about you proclaiming yourself “secular”, let me tell you that prior to 1st April 1977, India was not a “secular” republic. The word “secular” was inserted in the Preamble of the Constitution of India vide 42nd amendment during Emergency imposed by Mrs Indira Gandhi. This act was done undemocratically and illegally, as everyone knows, and today the bloody word has become so fashionable among our shameless political class that anyone who opposes the injustice of extending extra constitutional privileges to the Muslims like reservations in jobs and education, pensions, grants and Haj subsidies is quickly termed as non-secular. So, unless you plan to contest elections next year and hope to seduce the Muslim vote bank, please refrain from using the dirty “s” word. It will serve nothing except making you prone to being used and being fooled. India is NOT secular and neither should it be. Our motto is Satyameva Jayate and not Allah-o-akbar. Our song is Vande mataram and not Bismillah-o-rahman-ar-rahim, our symbol is Dharma-chakra and not ‘crescent with a star’, our armies still refrain from recruiting muslims for good and our national language is Hindi not Urdu. We are fighting Islamic terrorism everyday. Secular is nothing. It’s a farce. Beware.
Good Luck.
~<100420101438>

The Dwarika Trip

“Ayodhya, Mathura, Maya, Kaashi, Kanchi, Avantika,
Vaishali, Dwarika, Dhyeya, Puri, Takshashila, Gaya”

What a travel packed trip it has been. And how has been by chance! Did I ever plan to visit Dwarika in my life? But it came to me as a surprise, and a pleasant one too - Delhi to Ahmadabad in train. Transit in Ahmedabad and engulfed in office work on a holiday – thanks to boss. Running through the lanes of Kalupur to find a cyber café while renting a room in a Muslim hotel – wonderful! To see that the two communities still find ways to trust each other – reassuring.
Well, Saurashtra Express picked me up at 8 pm from Ahmadabad and dropped me at Jamnagar at 3am. And because I had nowhere else to go, I waited till 5 on the platform itself. Then struggled to catch the first bus to Dwarika. It was a part sleeper. Good for me. Seems that the day starts a bit late in the western part of the country. The sunrise made me wait till 7:30am. But it was worth it – big dull sun rising on a barren, flat and muddy horizon. And how can one ignore the cactus lining? Indeed it’s a different landscape altogether – harsh and rugged and sometimes marshy. But unlike the highway which is as smooth as one watches in an American flick. Narendrabhai must be complemented.
It was at around 9am that I reached the historic town of Dwarika. And it was an unexplainable feeling to be at a place so revered, so heard about and so intense. Who knows, Lord Krishna might have moved on these roads 5 millennia ago as I was doing now. I quickly enquired about the whereabouts Dwarikadheesh temple, about which I had already collected some info before starting my journey. It was about a mile away from the bus stop and so I walked. On my way, as I saw the people of Saurashtra in their traditional dresses, chanting the holy names of Lord Krishna, I suddenly realized that this scene must have been on since ages. Aren’t we fortunate to have born in a land with such a glorious history – sometimes so intertwined with philosophy, religion and mythology? Yes indeed we are. As I walked, I started imagining the scenes of the great migration of Yadavas along with their savior from the fallen Mathura to the hopeful Dwarika. I could see a reason in the similarity of dress and culture of Vraj and Saurashtra although I didn’t undermine the influence of time and climate.
Soon, I could see the shikhars of the temple with big vaishnava flags fluttering along with the wild sea winds. As I came closer and entered the main temple street, I was amazed with the sight of that unique piece of architecture and archaeology. The Dwarikadheesh temple was right in front of me – standing high in all its glory. It is believed that the first temple on the same site was built by the grandson of Lord Krishna – Sri Aniruddha, although the present structure is around 2500 years old. As I tried to enter the temple premises, I was told that no bags, phones etc are allowed inside so I was forced to rent a room in a nearby lodge. After taking a quick shower, I went for the darshan. Now, as I entered the premises, came closer to the temple and touched its walls I was overwhelmed. It felt to me not as a laterite block but a slice of history frozen in stone. The temple that survived the Muslim attackers for six centuries was worth being written about. But I could barely hold my tears as I moved inside. Barely escaping a comparison with ruins, the temple was clearly narrating the long tale of neglect, greed and corruption.
I was fortunate enough for a quick darshan of the Lord Dwarikadheesh. The Lord was well guarded by a shady pack of Brahmins who cleverly pushed away the devotees as soon as they offered the daanam to them. The complex has various small temples in addition to the main one. Interestingly, The Lord stands sans Radha each of the temples. Then there are temples of Ganesha, Shiva, Amba, Durvasa, Baladeva, Pradumna and Aniruddha. The idols of Lord are beautiful with a unique style. The temple itself is a mix of both Southern and Northern styles. The walls and shikharas of the temple are decorated with innumerable figurines of gods and goddesses, yakshas and yakshinis and other mythological characters. The entire structure has been built in laterite – a locally available stone. But because laterite is more prone to corrosion as compared to granite, many historical parts of the temple have been lost forever.
Then there are encroachments. The most daring one being that of the powerful Sharada peeth of Shankaracharya tradition. Unlike the main temple, the peeth structures are more than well maintained and smell of dirty money being spent relentlessly. The peeth hall itself and its own temples have been deliberately kept on a higher level thereby confirming the existence vaishnava-shaiva rivalry. It is however surprising that such an important vaishnava temple is governed (or misgoverned) by shaivites.
The western entry to the temple is from the ghats of Gomti river which flows clean and clear towards Arabian Sea. In-fact the temple if barely a couple of kilometers away from the confluence of Gomti river and the Arabian Sea. The moderate crowd and the clean waters of the river are a respite from the usual places of religious importance. I wandered throughout the Dwarika town – in its narrow alleys and around its hidden baoris. It was as if I was walking in a sister city of Vrindavana – although much cleaner and friendlier than its big brother.
If at all I had some time on my hand, I would have visited Bet Dwarika – a town very near to the offshore site of Krishna’s Dwarika – the actual city that was built and inhabited by Krishna and his clan. Ignored as a myth since the advent of modern archaeology and historical research, Krishna’s Dwarika was discovered by a team of marine archaeologists ten years back and the specimens recovered confirm to the time period of Mahabharata – of Krishna’s life. I really wanted to visit the museum where all those specimens have been kept but maybe some other time.
It was all I had time for and I had to catch a bus back to Jamnagar so I called it a day and came back to Jamnagar the same night. From there I had a train to catch to Ahmadabad where I am right now waiting for my flight to Delhi to get back to the same old routine but with a renewed conviction to go on a long holiday.
Jai Shri Dwarikadheesh
~ <040320101815>

SoS

When everything is logically correct and nothing is without reason, why am I experiencing this acute pain in my heart? Why do I feel robbed out of my soul? As if all of my energy has suddenly disappeared. Why am I feeling so insignificant so worthless? SoS

Sorry!

What I didn't know was that you were already disturbed with something that had cropped up from your past. If I added to the confusion and complicated the things at your end, I'm sorry!

Did I do something wrong?

I think Ivan's story didnt go quite well with Mausi. It was expected but not experienced earlier so its making me uncomfortable. Yes, ignoring, stepping back and cutting off ties is a valid reaction, maybe necessary for her. But if I come back on my own side, did I do something wrong? Did I hide my intentions? Did I lose my honour at any point? Did I become disrespectful? No. I dont think so. As soon as the emotion came to mind and as soon as I found the reason, I expressed myself. And I waited only to let her finish her project before being bogged down (by an awkward story). But I spoke my mind honestly. Then instead of a simple response, positive or negative, why such a typical reaction? I dont know but maybe this is how it happens with everybody. Fair enough! I am prepared for it and I am sure that I wont lose a dear friend for an outburst of emotion and its reaction. I know when she will realize that I meant no harm, she'll understand and start the communication. I am always there as a friend, as usual. I might have recovered too by then. But who knows?

Anxiety

There's so much of anxiety in the air... am feeling so restless! God! What will happen? What does destiny hold for me? Well, I accomplished atleast one of the things that I had planned - sharing Ivan's story with Mausi. Afterall it was written for her, wasnt it? But I'm not sure whether she has read it yet... gotto ask her soon. And why the hell am I so unorganized?? I am angry at myself.

Do Come

Do come for me, O dear one

At my pyre to pray

Pray for me and my little soul

When I really am gone away.

Appeal

Okay. Things are a bit clearer now. I've kinda figured out what do I have to do with my professional life. I might not have all those neatly chalked out plans but I know in my heart. This is a good thing. There is a superstition of not spilling the beans about your plans, and I adhere to it for now. So no more talking about it. After much infighting and much bloodshed within myself, I am also sure about the girl of my dreams. But again the superstition stops me from going into detail. As far as Helix is concerned, my dream was to create a platform which I think will get accomplished within next six months. I want to withdraw myself from active helix for my own self - to pursue the human being in me - pursue my goals - to pursue things I like. So after six months hopefully, I'll be able to relieve myself from Helix. Atleast its daily affairs. I promise, I'll stay connected. My colleagues would understand me, this is all I can hope. I want my shakhas to be self sufficient too. I would not be available for them from next year onwards. I know I can contribute a lot. But not at the cost of myself. No. I humbly withdraw. And I wish to break away from my relatives and "casual friends". I pray to them - let me go free. Please do not hold me, do not bind me. I do not belong to you anymore. Yes I'm always available for you in case of emergency, in case you really need me. But let it be all. Atleast for the time being. I might come back to this world if circumstances desire so. Pray for me if you really love me, pray for my life. Do not be selfish. Thanks a lot!!

Anger

Today, an extraordinary feeling of anger engulfed me. I was supposed to go to office early - arond 7:30, so that i can finish my work by 9:30 and leave for my french class. It was my class today. I had planned everything and I was quite excited. But when I came out of the house, I found that another car was parked in front of my car. I knew whose car was this. It belonged to a regular family living opposite to my building. I went up to their floor and rang the door bell. No one responded. I tried several times. No answer. I came down to explore any possibility of moving my car without disturbing his car. No. It didnt seem possible. I tried to push his car hoping it would be parked in neutral. But no. It was tied with a firm hand-brake. I went up again. No answer again. Howcome? They are a family of 5-6 people. All disappered in thin sky? Then suddenly i remembered. They had another car. They must have taken it. So they had parked their car in hand brake in front of mine and had just left.
I didnt expect this from these people. They always seemed polite. Although they parked both of their car in front of my house, i had never raised any objection. And when I came home late, I parked somewhere else - to avoid any disturbance. Whenever i found that their car was not around, i had always parked my car in neutral. So that they didnt encounter any probelm later. And they were so unruly? I didnt deserve this.
I was feeling very angry. How would I reach office now? I didnt want to miss my first class. They had practically ruined my day because of their stupidity. Fucking bhenchods! Haraami saale! I wanted to tear apart each tyre of their car with my hunting knife. I knew, i'll get a call from boss anytime soon. I was stuck.
Then I thought of using my bike. it was in a bad shape though. I came home to find my jacket. But couldnt find it. Its such a mess in there. Fuck! Yes yes i know I have to clean it up. Who else will do? But should i fucking run for my office everyday or be a fucking home maker? Damn that idiot! Bhenchod, it was all because of him. I was getting really mad.
Then i was unable to find my helmet. I dont even remember who borrowed it. I'm so clumsy! Anyway, I knew i'll miss my class. It was already 9:30. I borrowed a helmet from a friend. Somehow started my bike and reached office. I just want to kill that chootiya fucker! Shit!!
I still have to decide whether i'll fire him face to face or just tear the tyres of his fucking car tonight! I hate him for making me so angry! Chootiya bhosdi ka!!

Summer

Thy hue, thy glow, thy aura charms me;
O summer, wish I could be forever by thee.

Ma Ganga

Come they and they go
their evils as they throw;
Your waters mild and mellow
seldom cease to flow;
You bear them like a parent
no pain you ever show;
You bless them like a fairy
you smile at watch them grow;
Your tread we hail Ma Ganga
to mighty sea from snow.

Sages

In the name of truth and wisdom
why they sages go astray?
If only they could but be back
They'll find solace - I say.

A letter to Mausi...

Dear Mausi
Hope you are doing good and enjoying your work and life. When I last called you up (guess it was on sunday), I found myself pondering over the brief chat we had. The chat was nothing different from what we usually have. But there is something I wish to share with you. When you joined NID, I was one of the happiest persons on the earth because I thought that it was a unique place that can make you exploring yourself as a designer. I had promised myself that I'd call you up every week - partially because I wanted to be around for you to share your thoughts and gossips and everything that happened back at your college throughout the week, But more so because I wanted to stay connected to you in some way. You perhaps realized over the course of time that I regularly called you because it served my interest (to stay connected), but still you managed not to avoid me and my never ending calls. This was because of the appreciation/respect you still had in me. There was a time, i still remember, when you'd look forward talking to me. But that was a long time back. Somewhere down the line a forced sense of detachment came over your thoughts. I say "forced" because it is unnatural for a human being to be detached. But I agree, our society teaches us a lot of things that are unnatural. But your being detached comes from a different reason altogether. I believe it comes from the 'not so good' things that you have experienced. A fear sometimes engulfs us after we go through such experiences. Fear of trusting people. Fear of believing in them. Fear of having faith in others. It is the fear of losing the trust, faith and belief. As you read this, you might be tempted to ask yourself subconsciously "why is he giving all this gyan?" or "whats behind all this?" or "I dont deserve to hear this crap from him - after all who is he?". This feeling is similar to the one you might have when I call you up every week. "There has to be a hidden reason why this guy is calling me up so regularly...". And the fear might just make you believe that the "hidden reason" is a bad one. Well, the reason could be good too. And you'd say - "I agree. Thats why I have been taking your calls. Isn't it?". No. Because if you really believed that the reason could be good, you'd not be so guarded. You would have indulged. You would've shared your thoughts. You would have given me an opportunity to express myself. I know that you know that you have held yourself back all this while. And the reason is same - fear of trusting me. Okay. I understand. There could be a possibility of us coming closer as friends if you were not that guarded. I also agree that chances of me wanting to come closer are more than you wanting the same. But you'd agree that chances of you wanting to have a stronger frienship are not nill. Alright. If asked you to shed your guard and trust me as your friend for a minute, what would be the probability of us developing a stronger bond? Say Fifty-fifty. It means that there might be 50% chances of us not starting to share a stronger bond. So why not take the risk for that 50% rather than playing safe for this 50%. Our friendship might turn out well and we could be the best friends. Who knows? And say if chances of us sharing a stronger bond, if you lowered your guard, are more than 50% - say 70% or 80% then it'd be pity if we didn't give it a try. Isn't it? Now, you might say - "Friendship has never been an issue. Afterall we have been cordial. I have even shared a lot of thoughts with you and I have been giving advices to you about your own life. The problem is about possibility of you falling in love with me if i am less guarded with you!". I understand your problem. You have had enough people falling in love with you - some of them your good friends. And their foolishness (of falling in love - as they may call) ruined the good frienship as well. Yes. Its a pity. Hmmm. You have a valid point. Would I fall in love with you if you'd be less guarded? Its a tough one. But my answer is NO. We have talked about this earlier in more subtle terms, when you got my commitment of not doing any foolish thing (thereby meaning - of not falling in love) before you opened up your heart and shared the tough times that you went through then. But even then you never asked "why"? Why would I not fall in love with you? No. Its not my capability of NOT falling in love with you even after liking you so much. Its not that. Okay - let me tell you something that you might not be knowing. If we follow the most general definition of "falling in love" - I fell in love with you on the first day I saw you. But because the most general definition of "falling in love" means more of "having a crush" than actually falling in love therefore I dont want to count it. Crushes come and go. My crush, too, came and went. But there is more to the reason of me not willing to fall in love with you even if given a chance. Its because I already love you more than a lot of other people who are part of my life. On some moments, I love you more than everyone and everything else on the earth. But, you know, I love you as a princess, as a child. It gives me immense pleasure to be able to make you feel good.
Remember, the numerous number of times you have asked me to get married to a good girl? I think that you feel that I really need a life partner and because I dont have one, I am investing too much emotions in my friends (and in the process, ending up calling you every week - regularly). Your feeling is partially correct. Yes I really need a life partner but thats not the reason of me valuing my friends so much. Its not like "because I dont have a wife I love my dadr and after I get married, I will stop loving him". Can this ever happen? Similarly, you are part of me now. Its not that I am taking a refuge till I find a life partner. You are you and I accept you as you are and believe me, you are terrific!
So, after all that pain that you've been through reading this letter, all I want to ask you is that please open up your heart and indulge. Trust, believe and have faith. Even in mortal humans like me. Be attached. I am not going gobble you up. Nor am I going to break your trust. I am incapable of doing that. Be yourself. You HAVE been made to love people and getting loved by them - not be detached. And NO, we both are NOT going to fall in love with each other just by giving ourselves a better chance to open up and trusting each other. And even if we do, its not a sin for God's sake!
All the best and cheers