Sorry!

What I didn't know was that you were already disturbed with something that had cropped up from your past. If I added to the confusion and complicated the things at your end, I'm sorry!

Did I do something wrong?

I think Ivan's story didnt go quite well with Mausi. It was expected but not experienced earlier so its making me uncomfortable. Yes, ignoring, stepping back and cutting off ties is a valid reaction, maybe necessary for her. But if I come back on my own side, did I do something wrong? Did I hide my intentions? Did I lose my honour at any point? Did I become disrespectful? No. I dont think so. As soon as the emotion came to mind and as soon as I found the reason, I expressed myself. And I waited only to let her finish her project before being bogged down (by an awkward story). But I spoke my mind honestly. Then instead of a simple response, positive or negative, why such a typical reaction? I dont know but maybe this is how it happens with everybody. Fair enough! I am prepared for it and I am sure that I wont lose a dear friend for an outburst of emotion and its reaction. I know when she will realize that I meant no harm, she'll understand and start the communication. I am always there as a friend, as usual. I might have recovered too by then. But who knows?

Anxiety

There's so much of anxiety in the air... am feeling so restless! God! What will happen? What does destiny hold for me? Well, I accomplished atleast one of the things that I had planned - sharing Ivan's story with Mausi. Afterall it was written for her, wasnt it? But I'm not sure whether she has read it yet... gotto ask her soon. And why the hell am I so unorganized?? I am angry at myself.

Do Come

Do come for me, O dear one

At my pyre to pray

Pray for me and my little soul

When I really am gone away.

Appeal

Okay. Things are a bit clearer now. I've kinda figured out what do I have to do with my professional life. I might not have all those neatly chalked out plans but I know in my heart. This is a good thing. There is a superstition of not spilling the beans about your plans, and I adhere to it for now. So no more talking about it. After much infighting and much bloodshed within myself, I am also sure about the girl of my dreams. But again the superstition stops me from going into detail. As far as Helix is concerned, my dream was to create a platform which I think will get accomplished within next six months. I want to withdraw myself from active helix for my own self - to pursue the human being in me - pursue my goals - to pursue things I like. So after six months hopefully, I'll be able to relieve myself from Helix. Atleast its daily affairs. I promise, I'll stay connected. My colleagues would understand me, this is all I can hope. I want my shakhas to be self sufficient too. I would not be available for them from next year onwards. I know I can contribute a lot. But not at the cost of myself. No. I humbly withdraw. And I wish to break away from my relatives and "casual friends". I pray to them - let me go free. Please do not hold me, do not bind me. I do not belong to you anymore. Yes I'm always available for you in case of emergency, in case you really need me. But let it be all. Atleast for the time being. I might come back to this world if circumstances desire so. Pray for me if you really love me, pray for my life. Do not be selfish. Thanks a lot!!

Anger

Today, an extraordinary feeling of anger engulfed me. I was supposed to go to office early - arond 7:30, so that i can finish my work by 9:30 and leave for my french class. It was my class today. I had planned everything and I was quite excited. But when I came out of the house, I found that another car was parked in front of my car. I knew whose car was this. It belonged to a regular family living opposite to my building. I went up to their floor and rang the door bell. No one responded. I tried several times. No answer. I came down to explore any possibility of moving my car without disturbing his car. No. It didnt seem possible. I tried to push his car hoping it would be parked in neutral. But no. It was tied with a firm hand-brake. I went up again. No answer again. Howcome? They are a family of 5-6 people. All disappered in thin sky? Then suddenly i remembered. They had another car. They must have taken it. So they had parked their car in hand brake in front of mine and had just left.
I didnt expect this from these people. They always seemed polite. Although they parked both of their car in front of my house, i had never raised any objection. And when I came home late, I parked somewhere else - to avoid any disturbance. Whenever i found that their car was not around, i had always parked my car in neutral. So that they didnt encounter any probelm later. And they were so unruly? I didnt deserve this.
I was feeling very angry. How would I reach office now? I didnt want to miss my first class. They had practically ruined my day because of their stupidity. Fucking bhenchods! Haraami saale! I wanted to tear apart each tyre of their car with my hunting knife. I knew, i'll get a call from boss anytime soon. I was stuck.
Then I thought of using my bike. it was in a bad shape though. I came home to find my jacket. But couldnt find it. Its such a mess in there. Fuck! Yes yes i know I have to clean it up. Who else will do? But should i fucking run for my office everyday or be a fucking home maker? Damn that idiot! Bhenchod, it was all because of him. I was getting really mad.
Then i was unable to find my helmet. I dont even remember who borrowed it. I'm so clumsy! Anyway, I knew i'll miss my class. It was already 9:30. I borrowed a helmet from a friend. Somehow started my bike and reached office. I just want to kill that chootiya fucker! Shit!!
I still have to decide whether i'll fire him face to face or just tear the tyres of his fucking car tonight! I hate him for making me so angry! Chootiya bhosdi ka!!

Summer

Thy hue, thy glow, thy aura charms me;
O summer, wish I could be forever by thee.

Ma Ganga

Come they and they go
their evils as they throw;
Your waters mild and mellow
seldom cease to flow;
You bear them like a parent
no pain you ever show;
You bless them like a fairy
you smile at watch them grow;
Your tread we hail Ma Ganga
to mighty sea from snow.

Sages

In the name of truth and wisdom
why they sages go astray?
If only they could but be back
They'll find solace - I say.

A letter to Mausi...

Dear Mausi
Hope you are doing good and enjoying your work and life. When I last called you up (guess it was on sunday), I found myself pondering over the brief chat we had. The chat was nothing different from what we usually have. But there is something I wish to share with you. When you joined NID, I was one of the happiest persons on the earth because I thought that it was a unique place that can make you exploring yourself as a designer. I had promised myself that I'd call you up every week - partially because I wanted to be around for you to share your thoughts and gossips and everything that happened back at your college throughout the week, But more so because I wanted to stay connected to you in some way. You perhaps realized over the course of time that I regularly called you because it served my interest (to stay connected), but still you managed not to avoid me and my never ending calls. This was because of the appreciation/respect you still had in me. There was a time, i still remember, when you'd look forward talking to me. But that was a long time back. Somewhere down the line a forced sense of detachment came over your thoughts. I say "forced" because it is unnatural for a human being to be detached. But I agree, our society teaches us a lot of things that are unnatural. But your being detached comes from a different reason altogether. I believe it comes from the 'not so good' things that you have experienced. A fear sometimes engulfs us after we go through such experiences. Fear of trusting people. Fear of believing in them. Fear of having faith in others. It is the fear of losing the trust, faith and belief. As you read this, you might be tempted to ask yourself subconsciously "why is he giving all this gyan?" or "whats behind all this?" or "I dont deserve to hear this crap from him - after all who is he?". This feeling is similar to the one you might have when I call you up every week. "There has to be a hidden reason why this guy is calling me up so regularly...". And the fear might just make you believe that the "hidden reason" is a bad one. Well, the reason could be good too. And you'd say - "I agree. Thats why I have been taking your calls. Isn't it?". No. Because if you really believed that the reason could be good, you'd not be so guarded. You would have indulged. You would've shared your thoughts. You would have given me an opportunity to express myself. I know that you know that you have held yourself back all this while. And the reason is same - fear of trusting me. Okay. I understand. There could be a possibility of us coming closer as friends if you were not that guarded. I also agree that chances of me wanting to come closer are more than you wanting the same. But you'd agree that chances of you wanting to have a stronger frienship are not nill. Alright. If asked you to shed your guard and trust me as your friend for a minute, what would be the probability of us developing a stronger bond? Say Fifty-fifty. It means that there might be 50% chances of us not starting to share a stronger bond. So why not take the risk for that 50% rather than playing safe for this 50%. Our friendship might turn out well and we could be the best friends. Who knows? And say if chances of us sharing a stronger bond, if you lowered your guard, are more than 50% - say 70% or 80% then it'd be pity if we didn't give it a try. Isn't it? Now, you might say - "Friendship has never been an issue. Afterall we have been cordial. I have even shared a lot of thoughts with you and I have been giving advices to you about your own life. The problem is about possibility of you falling in love with me if i am less guarded with you!". I understand your problem. You have had enough people falling in love with you - some of them your good friends. And their foolishness (of falling in love - as they may call) ruined the good frienship as well. Yes. Its a pity. Hmmm. You have a valid point. Would I fall in love with you if you'd be less guarded? Its a tough one. But my answer is NO. We have talked about this earlier in more subtle terms, when you got my commitment of not doing any foolish thing (thereby meaning - of not falling in love) before you opened up your heart and shared the tough times that you went through then. But even then you never asked "why"? Why would I not fall in love with you? No. Its not my capability of NOT falling in love with you even after liking you so much. Its not that. Okay - let me tell you something that you might not be knowing. If we follow the most general definition of "falling in love" - I fell in love with you on the first day I saw you. But because the most general definition of "falling in love" means more of "having a crush" than actually falling in love therefore I dont want to count it. Crushes come and go. My crush, too, came and went. But there is more to the reason of me not willing to fall in love with you even if given a chance. Its because I already love you more than a lot of other people who are part of my life. On some moments, I love you more than everyone and everything else on the earth. But, you know, I love you as a princess, as a child. It gives me immense pleasure to be able to make you feel good.
Remember, the numerous number of times you have asked me to get married to a good girl? I think that you feel that I really need a life partner and because I dont have one, I am investing too much emotions in my friends (and in the process, ending up calling you every week - regularly). Your feeling is partially correct. Yes I really need a life partner but thats not the reason of me valuing my friends so much. Its not like "because I dont have a wife I love my dadr and after I get married, I will stop loving him". Can this ever happen? Similarly, you are part of me now. Its not that I am taking a refuge till I find a life partner. You are you and I accept you as you are and believe me, you are terrific!
So, after all that pain that you've been through reading this letter, all I want to ask you is that please open up your heart and indulge. Trust, believe and have faith. Even in mortal humans like me. Be attached. I am not going gobble you up. Nor am I going to break your trust. I am incapable of doing that. Be yourself. You HAVE been made to love people and getting loved by them - not be detached. And NO, we both are NOT going to fall in love with each other just by giving ourselves a better chance to open up and trusting each other. And even if we do, its not a sin for God's sake!
All the best and cheers

sher

हुस्न को देखने न वाला हो, हुस्न तक़रीर बन के रह जाए।

इश्क में माशूक गर साथ न हो, इश्क तसवीर बन के रह जाए।

The sun'll set you see

Down the setting sun

dark shadows I see;

Might I be tall

they're taller than me;

I hear them call

they call my name;

Kind while they sound

I wish to go free;

They know they'll grow

and together get me;

But tough it may seem

the sun'll set you see;

And they will have to go -

the sun'll set you see...

Why expect too much?

To me it occurs sometimes when I feel that I expect too much from anybody and everybody - from my father, my friends, my relatives, my boss, my client, my vendors, guys on road and guys not on road. Just everybody one can think off. Its really not fair to them. They deserve their own space and their own things. Yes I have my own world with my own rules but then doesn’t everybody have their own little worlds? I expect young girls not to think about sex – forget having it altogether. Why? I mean its just natural for young people (including girls) to think about sex and having it too. Whats wrong with it? I expect my father to talk to me, share his feelings, tell me to do or not to do things. Why? Why cant he be just himself? Isn’t it stupid to ask him to change at this age? I expect my fellow helix people to take its responsibility. Why should they? Its not their baby. Okay. When I do something for somebody, I expect the person to feel it and return. Why? Cant he have the liberty to ignore me? Its human. So, let me try to be detached. Let people do what they do. They play their games by their own rules. My rules apply only to me. That must be clear. Let me do my own thing. And let me just do it.

Confusion and Agony

Devendra Chachaji is no more with us. Yes I sometimes feel his pain but I am happy that he is relieved now. We all could have done more and we all could have prevented some things from happening. Yes. But it doesnt make any sense anymore. DLF Metro is now a question mark. Offer from Leeds has arrived. I am still waiting for Darmstadt. Taking study loan is not a very wise thing to do, given the uncertain market conditions. Helix is in a fix. Practically I am alone because practically I took the lead. I take the onus. I dont want to mess up Sanjeev's work. So I will do this job atleast. Come what may. On the other hand, they are building up a pressure on me to give my consent for marriage. I am holding. Beacuse I cant refuse. She is so good. She is so innocent. She is so pretty. I know, I cant get a better match. But can I marry so soon when I am professionally so confused? I need to sort out things before its gets too messy to clean up. The good part is that I now know that I am alone – in my friend circle. It makes easier to take decisions. You don’t have to ask a lot of people. Also the family came closer all this while. So there is a new avenue that has opened up. God is great. I want to leave a lot to him. Let him decide. I am sure he will do the right thing. May God bless his soul.

At the airport..

Arrival and departure
and the lounge we share
Plus the hustle & bustle
that surrounds us there.
What else is life?
I wonder sweet lord
For some its glory
for some its glare...

Desperation

They have their own lives
n have I my none;
Even as they are my soul
n for them I'm no one.

Desperation - Why?

"Why" begot why
and "why" begets why,
Who knew this and
would he know "why"?

Promise

The more I try, the more I fail
Keep pushing, I, my heart with force
It bleeds in pain, it goes so frail
Have been like lord
Lasheth who his slave -
To the point he cries, to the point he faints.
Its still no good, there's still a wave
The more I try, the more I fail
I keep the promise, its hard to keep
Inhuman too, is it not insane?
How will I swim? Will I survive?
No pulse i hear, no wind to sail
Ask I myself, is it a crime?
A cime that cruel? A crime that grave?
Which needs a promise - so hard to keep?
Still I try - I know I'll fail
To keep the promise, so hard to keep.
What is it, that haunts you dear?
No angel I am and no monster
Am just someone whose wisheth to fall
Fall they may call, but Rise as I see
To Rise in your love, to Rise with thee
And break this promise - so hard to keep
To get back a life, to find a new world
To take back my right -
Right to live and to die
A right to smile
And a right to weep
And break this promise - so hard to keep
But what of I'm sure is but one tiny thing
That I love you more, than all that I need
Will dig up my heart and and get rid of it
Will not think of you and take up the pain
But wont be a fool - one who wants to rise
And more I will try and try not to fail
And keep up the promise - so hard to keep
And more I will try and try not to fail.
~<171120081306>

My Princess

Seldom you speak, o little princess,

Seldom you hear what commoners may say;

You walk innocent through the dreams you weave,

And what you care? They may think what they may;

But when you laugh n sing and play them around,

All they can do is - just adore you and pray;

Pray for your smile and pray for your dream,

Pray for your song and pray just for thee.

A short story ...

The Wanderer Prince

He stood there, engulfed in deep thought. The sea wasn't calm at all. Waves randomly rose and jumped over his feet like a pack of wild snakes, sometimes hurting his toes with their velocity and force. But he was too busy to care about them. He was completely in union with nature, leaning against the cliff and watching the vast bluish green ocean in hope and confidence, as if trying to tell the world beyond these waters that – "lo and behold, here I come for you". The wind was chilling and sharp and blew his long dark brown locks of hair here and now on his face, blessed with chiseled sharp features. He seemed quite determined and his big black eyes looked focused. The man was tall and handsome and his tanned well built body, though covered only with a couple of modest holy unstitched clothes, confirmed his royal genre. The reflection of dusk sun on his skin, along with the hue of his saffron outfit, gave him a divine aura. A short but kind smile played on his thin dark lips. It was hard to say whether he was an invincible god or a mortal human, but one thing was certain – he was not someone ordinary.

Suddenly his concentration was disrupted by a thunder bolt as loud as a battle conch and as bright as a brand new sword. Perhaps Indra, the king of gods, was delighted and wanted to wish him good luck. He first looked up at the crimson sky that was now turning dark grey with all those monsoon clouds piling up and then he turned around slowly and looked towards the shore. He could clearly see an assorted army of various peoples, smart and young, busy with their daily drill in front of the numerous camps they had set up along the sea shore. All the camps, without exception, were decorated with huge dancing saffron flags – symbols of devotion, valor and unity. An expression of love and gratitude ran across his face. He closed his eyes and chanted a few sacred mantras from the holy samhitas in order to thank the gods for their blessings and guidance. He was clearly pleased to have experienced this day of achievement. The story of his long and eventful journey was coming alive in front of his eyes - the amazing lands he had visited, the wonderful people he had met, the strange customs he had witnessed and the numerous wise teachings he had learnt, all these years. How could the princes of Manu be so ignorant and suspicious of all these peoples whom they never hesitate to call dasyus and danavas? How could the millions of these lives be so distanced from civilization and awareness? How could the great rishis, munis and other revered sages, who devote their lives for the upliftment of these unfortunate men of Aryavarta, be not protected and supported by our so called Aryan kingdoms? He wondered.

He wondered why no Suryavanshi prince of the Ikshvaku dynasty ever cared to cross the great Vindhyachalas and visit the beautiful lands of Madhya and Dakshina? Was he the first Raaghava to have experienced the waters of Narmada, Tungabhadra, Krishna and Kaveri? Was he the first kshatriya to have worshipped the van-devas of the Aravalis & Nilgiris and the kul-devis residing in the hills of Megha and Tripura? Was he the first Manava to have visited the astounding cities of Yakshas, Gandharvas, Suparnas and Nagas and also the far flung villages belonging to the aadivasi tribes? Was he the first Aryan who had brought the message of the shrutis and smritis to the tribes of nishaads, bheels, munds, kols and gonds and also to the clans of 'the divine monkey' and 'the great bear'?

Maybe yes. Maybe he was the first Aryan prince to have walked throughout the vast rugged landscape that lay to the south of the great plain so thoroughly. Though a prince by birth & right and by karma & varna he chose to live and walk among the so called lesser peoples. It is hard to estimate how many villages he visited or how many forests and rivers he crossed. It is difficult to say how many million lives he touched or how many thousand friends and followers he made. But he came on each one of them as a messiah and a messenger. He showered his unconditional love on all of them. He broke the barriers of jaatis, varnas, and gender and demolished the walls of languages and customs. He taught them the higher ways of living and thinking. He gave them the concept of family and its values and ideals. He gave them sanskaars and gyanam. He made them the superior ones.

He would politely refuse to take the daughters of the tribal chiefs as his wives as he was already married. He would accepte the widely revered deva pashupatinath and matrudevi and would worship them as he would worship his own gods - indra, varuna, agni, maruts and ashwins. He would establish hundreds of ashrams and gurukuls across this land and would train the tribal youth in the contemporary aryan warfare to protect these small yet powerful building blocks of civilization. He would teach them developed ways of agriculture which the aryan people had been practicing in the northern plains of sindhu and saraswati for centuries. He would make them aware of the existence and expanse of their land – their own land of Aryavarta and would in turn get himself enlightened about the diversity of the cultures here. Many a violent chiefs of barbaric danava and daitya tribes would be killed - the repenting spared and the sober ones be protected thence.

It was a revolution - a revolution of civilization, awakening and awareness – a revolution of bringing the neglected dasyus into the mainstream and making them Aryans. It was hardly surprising that his message spread to the farthest lands within a short span of 14 years of his journey and this land to the south of the great Himalayas and to the north of the great ocean actually became Aryavarta in true sense.

The royal one took a deep breath and relaxed his muscles. A sense of satisfaction showed in his kind eyes as he stood on the cliff braving the fierce monsoon showers, looking at his army of a hundred tribal chiefs with their thousands of innocent yet brave young men, quickly moving around, making logistic arrangements to appropriate the sudden monsoon. They revered and loved him like a god and father and he was, today, proud of his devotees. How well had they come together to help their master and mentor in this hour of distress and difficulty. How meticulously had they planned and built this huge structure just out of their devotion and affection for him. He once again looked at the ferocious ocean dancing tandava to the tune of monsoon and then gradually turned towards that unending long coral and rock bridge that stood steadily in the wild ocean, running down south to connect Dhanushkoti with the golden island.

A hand quietly touched and surprised his shoulder. He swiftly looked back. It was none other that his younger brother Saumitra Lakshmana. "The sethu is ready respected brother, in all ways". "Well then dear Lakshamana", replied he in a polite yet stern voice, "Ask Maharaja Sugreeva, Mahabali Jamvant and dear Pavanputra to get our men ready. We shall proceed tomorrow, as soon as the morning gets into its fourth hour. The gods will protect us indeed."

"And let us prepare ourselves for the greatest battle ever – a battle that shall be fought among best of men on earth. A battle that shall bring back the pride of Aryavarta – a battle that shall bring back Devi Sita……..my Sita……"

The wanderer prince was now looking straight in the eyes of his beloved brother with his voice choked and the tears of grief and love rolling down his royal divine cheeks.


~ Atri Joshi
<070720082300>